22/5/23 Let's hope this is the last update cus I'm so done

So I haven't rlly updated on yk the whole situation that started in April cus simply there was no more update to do, it would just be me being like "I didn't talk to them either today, the pain of solitude is still present as always" and that's better for all parties involved

Except today I got to school earlier than everyone else so I was alone in the building and looking at my phone to find a restaurant to order something, Purple came in, said hi like she usually does still, and context is needed to understand 

Normally there's no lessons on Sunday but these two weeks I had a workshop to attend and I gotta attend it with my class + the class in 2nd year, we share lettering with a part of em and took another workshop together. 

They're not my class, they don't know me, not even that I'm trans so they know me by my dead name and wrong pronouns and everything, do we're super duper strangers. And if they're near I can chitchat but yk I'm not making plans with them to meet up or smth cus we ain't friends and I know I cannot have friends because everytime it ends up like this. 

For the workshop I was worried cus in the description it was mentioned an assignment in groups, so an art school version of the by me very hated... Group projects. Brr.

And like, group projects in high school are already a problem with people not knowing how to make a PowerPoint etc. But in art school? It means trying to make a coherent piece with people that got different ideas and different art styles and who does what and some are more skilled than others and ya. It's a mess. On top of this? I. Do not even look at my classmates. You see shit will be impossible. So first day of the workshop I was already praying the entire universe for a seat near the older students so oh working in groups of three oh well we're near each other. 

In the end you didn't HAVE to make the assignment the prof gave us a group project, it was luckily optional. Anyway so I sat next to these other ppl and exchanged two words yk

So when Purple came in today she put her things down and then came near my table and was like I know you won't listen to me/ to this (I don't remember exaaactly the convo) but watching you talk with the other group is like incoherent with the things you said, doesn't make sense, yada yada, I didn't even rlly know how to respond to your last message, yada yada(or smth along those lines), it doesn't rlly sit right with me since I'm also someone that wanna talk to you and talk with people in general, 

and basically implying that like she was upset or smth cus she's one of the most willing to reconnect and talk and I closed the gates completely and yet talk with the other class so like what's going on with that

And for additional context, my final message sent on the 4th of may to her was "sorry it's not gonna happen, I don't think it can be like before for me, I'm not made to communicate and socialize, sorry for any problem I cause and any action that hurt someone in the group, ik these sorrys have no weight but I have nothing else to give"

And like, again, idk how to talk. I rlly don't know how to communicate properly so especially with spoken convos I indulge in anger and bitterness and just being a sarcastic little asshole and I was like "Oh well, King gave me her compliments, so." Referring to the time at the start of may when after I didn't answer King's hello she was like "congrats! Continue like this! You're doing good" in a ironic way.

Again, this morning I just let my tongue talk without articulating more, without thinking properly before opening my mouth and stuff. So anyway Purple takes a sec to remember the moment and then is like "King? King has no patience, it was obvious she would go off sooner or later, she doesn't have patience and she's from another generation" (cus King is the one I already mentioned is an actual. Proper Adult and not 19-23 like majority of my class)

Which like, whatever. 

in my mind it still tells me the real thing they wanna tell me and the things they possibly have said ab me when I wasn't around. Like ya King is anger prone idc, I'm insanity prone. The conversation is over, I go to the kitchen corner in a near room to get a straw for my Monster and wait there for my food delivery to get near. I send a message to Purple.

"And anyway with them (the other class) I just do small talk, I don't get attached/connect. I can't tell you that you must accept the fact that I destroy myself and the others but that's my nature and the truth. You've got the rest of the world to talk to, I already said I'm the problem and nobody else is"

And ya I could have worded it and explained better what I meant but if she hates me it's better so she won't feel like she lost someone that nice to around yk. 

I do a lil back and forth by bringing back in the classroom my monster, move my PC a lil more near the plug since it was charging etc, then I go get my food and at the same time in getting back in the building, a girl from the other class has arrived. Some more time after another one from my class that starts talking to Purple and so on and the things is closed. 

She read the text, idk when and I don't care. Like I suffer everyday already and honestly after a while I'm just like. They're not that fun to be around. They're more like the only option. 

It's already enough to hear from a now-outsider Purple that can talk about nothing but east Asian culture ESPECIALLY japanese and Japan and her stupid new Ali express order, LK that cannot keep themselves from saying "like" every LITERAL two seconds and if she intervenes in a convo God help us because nobody will see the end of it + her fucking half awkward laugh that's sounds like a mix between someone clearing their throat and an old car trying to start, Berry gremlin laugh that now hurts to be heard, and so many other lil things that are so fucking annoying and I know it's just me being bitter but  my god how annoying the entirety is. Like I'm probably just as annoying when I talk but fucking hell being in the class when the prof takes a five mins break is insufferable.

Anyway. Ya. Please be this the last time I gotta talk AB this. I'm already enough still in a depressive episode with no therapist and stopped taking medications cus it didn't feel like they were doing shit and at the end of the day it was following the instructions of a doctor I don't go to anymore, so. 

Ugh. Fucking hell. Meteors, I'm here, use me as a parking lot