Lonely again

It's the usual cycle. Say hi to me few friends, get stressed out from trying to talk so I isolate myself, after a few weeks I get lonely again. Except this time it's been more than a few weeks. For some reason it's harder to say hi to them now. That's why I'm back on here, I'm pretty much writing to noone so it's not as stressful. But I guess I tend to hope that somebody reads this anyway. Otherwise it feels so fake and pointless.

The way the cycle usually works is that I give up on my friends and go to find new ones. That's why I ghost so many people. But I haven't done that in a long time now, cause I felt so bad about ghosting people. So I do wanna be able to keep friends. So why don't I just go say hi? I don't know, it's just too scary. I'll just distract myself with music.