A bit of vent, I'm trying to see if I'm the only one in my current situation

I love a lot of different things. Most of the time things that have nothing in common, except being non-typical. Sometimes it's fun, I feel like I have so much space to express myself but sometimes - most of the time actually -, it impact me negatively.

I struggle a lot with depersonnalization and derealization. I haven't felt like myself in years. Everything around me feels like a constant semi-lucid dream. Everything seems off familiar, like a constant déjà-vu on everything. With time I learnt how to mimic others and mask this, but it makes me feel even more empty. Living is a challenge since I forgot how to live, how to do the basics human things. Everything requires me tons of effort to do, even showering or eating. Everyday I feel dumb having to learn to mimic new things that are supposed to be common knowledge and politeness. Even around my friends I don't feel like myself. I noticed that I can't enjoy time with them properly anymore. I mostly feel like sort of a ghost following the group. I can't take any decision, I can't think for myself, so I just mostly stay silent and agree with everything, or if I can catch on the energy, I talk about myself.

I hate that, I feel like I constantly talk about myself, that the only moments I open my mouth are for only talking about me, what I like, what I lived recently. I hate it, but something inside me makes me think that it might be sort of a desesperate way to try to "prove that I'm a human". Mostly trying to prove that to myself. When I'm alone, I just feel like an empty body. I try to distract my brain and that's it. So when I'm with my friends, I want to chat with them, share the same experiences as them. But I don't know how to socialize at all.

All of that plus my - almost confirmed - ADHD, I spend a lot of time trying to find myself things I like. And I think I found things I like, but I'm not very sure because there is too much. I think that I like too much different universes, styles, cultures or you can call them "aesthetics" if you want. Everytime I think I found an identity, I'm hit in the face by all the things totally different that I like. Everytime I try to work on finding myself, building my personality and finally being sure of my opinions on things I like or not, I just get hit in the face by the realization that there is too much going on and I can't handle it. 

I want to be a goth, I love goth culture so much. It's kind of an evolution of my will of being a part of the emo community as a child, but my family brainwashed me to think that I would burn in hell if I became emo. I also started my teenage years as a huge manga fan, I love japanese culture, and I loved learning about the current culture, the historical one, comparing it to their fictions, etc... I also had a huge obsession for steampunk, I didn't had any money or skills to buy/make steampunk accessories, so I would spend hours on Pinterest filling a board with things I would love to get, or drawing my favorite characters in a steampunk style. That obsession kinda overlap the pirate one. I also felt back into the heroic fantasy world, mostly with Lord of the Rings or DnD. I also had a phase where I wanted to be the cliché adult nerd, with a special DnD table, tons of books and cosplay props, etc.. . I also love Dark Academia so much, that was then followed by Green Academia, and then I fell into the Cottagecore, Cottagecore who overlaped with Goblincore, and every styles related to being a chaotic little nature creature obsessed with mushrooms, bones, frogs, raccoons, etc... . At the same time started my fascination for the Cyberpunk and other related electro futuristic styles. It continues with Fairycore, Hippie, 80's, first half of the 1900's Grunge (the original one, not the most recent), Dreamcore, Weirdcore, Clowncore, Y2K, whatever style is the one about dark blue, gold, astronomy and vintage art of it, and I probably forget many.

Even if some of these can be connected, when you look at it all, it's different and completely opposed most of the time. And even tho for each I had a phase where I was into this style in a hardcore way, now I'm just a mix of all of this. My identity is already unstable and barely existent, so if I can't even make up my mind on what I like and how it shapes me, I'm gonna breakdown. Everytime I try to just let my instinct express itself, it depict a version of me totally different. Everytime I try to express myself, with words, any form of arts, clothes, or literally anything I can, it will never be the same twice. It's freaking me out to not be able to feel like a person. I don't have opinions, I can't take any decisions, and I don't know what represent me. I love so many different things depending of the day or my mood. All my friends have a color, flower, object, animal, etc... that define them. And when they asked me what were mine, I told them the truth, I don't know at all, it depends of many different things. No matter what I pick, it feels both right and wrong. I know that it's one of the thing I like, but I don't know if any of the many other thing I like can be above it. It's all mixed together and at the same level, just like everything in my dissociative situation (every task cost me the same amount of energy and just feels the same? My task is to pretend to be a person doing something, not to do my homework or to eat). Everything has to work together at the same time or else I break down and my mind stop accepting anything anymore, and I enter an even heavier moment of dissociation. So I don't know what to do. I think I already know that a very small amount of these "aesthetics"/cultures/styles take a less important space. For example I know that the weeb part and the cyberpunk part don't affect my outfits. But I still have everything else that affect it. And even if I try to break it down by small spaces, small projects, small phases, I constantly feels like I'm losing a part of me if I don't always include every styles into anything expressive I do.

I'm losing my words, I've been trying to put everything I currently have spinning in my head into words, but it's impossible for some of them. And I feel like I rambled for long enough now, or else no one at all will ever read this. I apologize for the length of this, when I try to put words into what I feel it constantly get out of hand because of the amount of thoughts I have at the same time.

 Thank you for taking your time to read this, if you have any advice about this situation, if you currently relate to this or lived this situation in the past, I would really appreciate a comment about it please. Take care.

◈ Mo ◈