late at night

feeling the ringing through my ears when i drown out everybody makes me feel so far away. like im not there. i just want to blast music in my ears and walk away, from everything, from everyone. just.. to go away? it feels good, and it feels disgusting at the same time. how can i explain my feelings in this horrible and beautiful word? i cant. 
my mind goes everywhere at night, when im alone. when nobody is awake, when everyones bodys are sleeping, but their minds are somewhere else. except im up, looking at my ceiling having time to myself in this pitch black room where you cant see anything except the look of your past memories. the mistakes ive made. the choices that i wish i could rewind time. the things that altered my life in the most horrible way ever someone could imagine. even now, im still making those mistakes. and i know deep down i shouldnt. but i still do. why? why do i do that? maybe we all secretly ask ourselves that question when we are alone. "why?".