School Issues

So I went back to school on Monday, I haven't been there for around a month. The main reason that I've been gone is because I was inpatient. So when I went back to school, due to the reason of my hospitalization, i need to be searched every morning by the staff. So yesterday morning I went in and everything was going pretty normal, I was sitting in my house office waiting to see the staff that searched me Monday. But they didn't come. Other staff did, a lady from a different house office and a different police officer. I started panicking during that moment because I didn't know them. They also didn't know me or what they were supposed to be searching for, sadly, I had to be the one to explain it to both of them. And they somehow still didn't get it really, but they went through my bags. The first bag that they went through, which was my actual backpack, had my journals, Chromebook and lunch in it. They went through it and to be honest there were a lot of things in my bag but the lady when searching didn't know how to put it all back in the bag and started trying to force my backpack closed. The second that I noticed it, I snapped, at this point I had been panicking so badly that I was shaking and i yelled at her, my exact words were, "Could you please fucking stop, I need to fix it". She told me to calm down and that when they finished searching my other bag that i would be able to put everything back and fix it the way that I wanted it. So I let her go through my Hello Kitty bag which has my chargers, makeup, a jacket and just some random things. She asked me if I wanted her to leave everything out so I could put it all away, I told her yes and then waited for her to finish. When she finished going through my bags she had told me to "Stand up, spread my legs and put my arms out. Instantly that triggers me super badly and I start freaking out, I still have been because of it, but I started to tell her no and told her that they hadn't done this yesterday so they didn't have to do it. They told me that it was normal and that it could get done fast, I kept telling them no and that I wouldn't let them do it. I also told them that I don't like the sound that it makes because like a bunch of loud noises, it scares me and makes me panic. They said okay and let me put things into my bags, as I was doing it the cop that was in there started to mess with the metal detector and made it go off three different times. Something that I left out was that when she went through my backpack, like I mentioned it had my journals in them, filled with very personal things, she had flipped through the pages and visibly read some pages in them, having reactions during the whole thing. When they had allowed me to leave, I was escorted to the transition class and was in there doing work for less than 10 minutes, before both the same lady from my search that morning and the cop that had been in the room with me on Monday, had come in and asked if I could go with them. So I do and they take me to this office in the house 100 area and the cops tells me to sit down and that he just wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page about me being searched every morning and how they were all going to pan out. He had told me that with the baggy clothes that I had been wearing that not much of anyone could tell if I had any pockets or anything that they couldn't see. I told them that I was more than willing to do that for them as long as they didn't involve the metal detector because it triggers me with the way I have to stand. I also don't like people looking at my body due to some severe sexual trauma. I even tried to explain that to them but they didn't seem to care, they told me that I needed to shake out my sleeves for them. I did that. Then the lady grabs the metal detector again and as she does I start begging them and telling them that I'm genuinely getting triggered and begging them not to do it. I kept repeating that I am not comfortable with it and they wouldn't listen. They just kept telling me that if I just got it done and over with that it wouldn't be that bad at all. I kept yelling at them that I didn't want to do it. I don't remember what happened but I think that they told me that it wouldn't go off very loudly unless there was metal in my bra or anywhere else. I knew it would, I have a wire in my bra, but they wouldn't listen. They made me stand up and when I did it of course the detector went off, I freaked out even more, at this point I am so triggered I am having flashbacks. She asked me if I had a wire in my bra, I told them that I did and she asked me to bring my fingers along the lines of my bra so they can make sure I'm not hiding anything in it. I freaked out and froze. Her exact words, "It's fine we're both girls", THERE WAS A MALE OFFICER THERE! I did it at this point almost crying and then they let me leave. Since yesterday I have been having super bad issues doing normal things and I have noticed that I am actually scared to go back to school. I fucking hate school sometimes. And to think that I was excited to go back to school and now I'm terrified to go back. That says so much about the school district and the people that work in it. 

Signing off, 

LSShooter