My absence

I'm sorry I was gone. I'm gonna explain why

Tw

Mentions of Bullying

Mentions of R@pe

Family Issues

Abvs3

Sv!c!dal thoughts

I went to San Diego for two weeks. To see my family. We stayed with my Abuela. And it was nice. But whenever we went to mexico, my service was gone. And in San Diego, we were always doing something so I had no time to be here. One time, we were at my Tia Ana's house one time and my brother and I were watching Do Revenge. And then we spoke about how our brains work. And that trailed into a conversation about our family. Specifically, our mother. My mother has made me question my sanity, called me selfish when I tried to end my life, and ignores the fact I'm finding my gender identity entirely. And she needs therapy. She's forgotten her own child needs therapy but remembers the exact amount of coffee she had in the morning/j.

But anyways, that sucked. But San Diego was awesome. Nobody knew me, and nobody could bully me. I was free to be myself. I only spoke to my friend and my best friend, and I was good. But then when we came home, I was severely depressed. And then came school.

I want to explain why I'm being bullied

I had this friend. We'll call them Hiss. And Hiss and I went to homecoming together as friends. I had a romantic interest in them, but never told them, so I got over it, but it was so fun. I felt happier friends with them than my ex best friends, who made fun of everyone I had a crush on. That night, we were in bed, snuggled together. And I am a very affectionate person, so I had my hand on their thigh as they said they were fine with it. Then they.. moved their crotch into my hand. I didn't know what to do, so I did what they wanted me to. And I kept asking if they were okay and asking if they were done so I could stop. Eventually, I just stopped and they went to the bathroom. They came back, smiling, and saying we wouldn't speak about it. So we slept. The next morning, they put their knee between my legs. And then we went to a trampoline park for their brother's friend's birthday party. Surprise, the friend's older siblings were two people we were friends with at school. So we talked and started sharing secrets. And Hiss told me to tell them, but I didn't because they told me it was a secret, and when someone tells me to keep a secret, I keep it. But anyways, things were fine for, like, three days. And then I hear people saying I sexually assaulted them. Hiss stopped talking to me, my crush did too. Eventually, my ex best friends asked if they had molested me. So I explained that that didn't happen, because it didn't fucking happen, they would never do that to me, or better yet, anyone.

But then they started calling me a rapist, and (Let's call him) Secale, sent me a entire paragraph saying, in short "All of your friends talk shit about you, nobody likes you"

And you all already know about the KYS note, if you don't, it's in this blog

But back to present time. Whenever I would go to my teacher's desk, they would shout "EVERYONE AROUND {JESUS'} DESK, BE CAREFUL" or he says "I don't feel very safe right here". And when I left to the bathroom, he shouted "OKAY THE ROOM IS SAFE FOR NOW"

He's also said "Rape-dar" repeatedly behind me when we were outside and to me when I was getting lunch. He one time was in the hall as I was going back to class from the bathroom and was waiting for his best friend outside the teacher's bathroom. He saw me and waited for me to get close before he started banging on the door and shouting "{TART}, LET ME IN, I'M GONNA GET FINGERED IN THE HALLWAY"

And it's been like that for ages. I tried explaining to Tart what happened, and she heard me out, but it didn't stop at all. But at least Tart didn't do anything that Secale did.

But then I came back from break. Now it's both Tart and Secale shouting at me in the hallways. And I just.. Fell into a spiral. And I'm dealing with awful thoughts. Not to mention my gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia has been eating me away. My facade has faded and now my mom is noticing my sadness. Luckily i picked up my act. so nobody is worried anymore. I got deadnamed twice yesterday by close friends of mine. And everything has been awful. I'm failing school, I'm being led on by the guy I like, and everything has been too much. Getting on my phone is a chore. The only time I've felt at peace were the last two days. After school, I've been going to the library by my father's house and... It's amazing. I just listen to music and read, and I finished a book in two days after about 2, 3 hours each day. It's been amazing. And I'm going today. I'm going to try and be more active, though. I just need a bit of time to get my thoughts in order. My mother refuses to see something wrong with me. So I'm stuck dealing with it myself. But I've been doing it for years. I'll be fine

I'm sorry for worrying Sylvie, I wish I had had the time to explain before. But I hope you're reading this, because this is why I was absent

Thank you for whoever read this, sorry for the dump.