terrible terrible day at uni

I've definitely been having a depressive episode. My anxiety has gone into override and turned into depression again. At least that's how I've always interpeted these feelings.

Today I almost had a panic attack. I felt petrified, my body wouldn't move while the professor was explaining the new project brief to the class. I didn't want to be in that room. I wanted to run and not have to hear about that project ever again. It also gave me a headache/dizziness a couple times, just how stiff my muscles were.

It feels like I'm constantly on the verge of burnout, and then I have burnout, and then I get out of it but only barely before I fall into the pit again, like on the edge of a cliff, falling in and trying to climb it. Constantly.

I'm constantly exhausted, even when I feel fine mentally, I don't feel well. I just feel not terrible.

I was also thinking, I don't reach out to friends, because they ask how I'm doing, and I feel uncomfortable, because I'm not doing well. So every time I need to lie about it.

I realised this because I feel like this when I greet one of my flatmates, who always asks how I'm doing.

I'm not doing well!! Ever!!! But I can't tell you this because I'm too worried it'll make you uncomfortable. And it feels like I'll be doing it for attention and nothing else...

I don't know what to do! I don't have a clue!! I'm on a roller-coaster that won't stop no matter how many times I feel like throwing up and beg to stop.

I don't know who to ask for help. I have a therapist, but she can't magically take away all the things I'm worried about. My parents are... not who I want to rely on for these kinds of things. Especially mum. Recently, she's shown me how much I cannot rely or even trust her with all of these thoughts.

I don't know... The only thing I can think of doing is to wait it out until I'm out of university. That's what I ended up doing in high school. I want to find a job. I wish I had some qualifications to get a simple part-time job. I also wish I lived in an area with more job options. This city isn't very big...

I just want to be financially independent, so that I can finally search for myself. If there is anyone to find...

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