talk by beabadoobee

im just trying to keep my mind off of how mad I am at my boyfriend right now and I can't and now I guess this is the adult shit I was avoiding by not moving out but its okay I should only be here for the summer and out by august maybe even sooner if I get a little weekend job... people say you shouldn't go to bed upset but he's already sleeping... I just wish life didn't have to be like this... im broke... living with my idealistic boyfriend... and there doesn't seem to be an end to the tunnel... maybe homelessness that's what its looking like but i'd have to give up all the possessions I currently have. I feel like with the way I've been spending money im acting like I have all the time in the world... I should have went to work on Friday I can't afford days off... but with this new internship that is paid and im going to be working daily and a weekend job I should be out of his hair soon .... I know I told him that im not going to let anything that happens while im here define our relationship but its hard seeing past how angry I am right now...  I hate how I let my feelings control me like this but Imma try to stay sane because its mercury retrograde and anything could happen right now. I honestly just want to watch serial experiments lain but the website I was watching it on crashed... and its so crazy when I get mad at him like this it makes me think of everything I've been mad at him about throughout the course of our relationship... but I wish he would put in as much as I do or at least as much as I think I do... its crazy because this is my first real relationship I mean I've dated guys but they've never treated me as well and taken me out... you should listen to men when they tell you they don't deserve you lol.  I know he's autistic and has adhd but im over explaining basic economics to him like he's so optimistic about the housing market as if rent isn't going up and peoples wages aren't reflecting that... and my friend says I shouldn't try to control him but if we're both trying to move out I feel like we both should be making sacrifices. I don't want to do this job but it pays well so im gonna stay because I know ill have someone else depending on me for rent and just because I said you should stop going to New York like I'd be pissed to if someone tried to do that but like if we both can't afford it then neither of us should go right? especially if we're moving in together I feel like we should be mindful of each other I guess im just a socialist and maybe im a bit idealistic too.. honestly I hate myself too I've been applying to this strip club for months but I think they won't take me because I"m dark skinned and fat... well not fat but like curvy ? I don't know my arms looked really thick in the pictures I sent to them. and my friend that works there tried telling me they don't care about size but yea they don't care about size when you're light skinned or not black... people in my face trying to tell me these are not real issues just because you've dated a dark skin girl or curvy or thick girl once its so ducking annoying omg...  I also want to live that life I want to be the club every night... I guess social media and movies make strip clubs look glamorous  but I know it can actually be a very scary place to work but most girls stay because they get accustomed to the money... I also think because there is a recession coming people aren't spending that kind of money in strip clubs anymore... idk maybe I'm just over thinking it and I need to go down there with my face beat and an application... but my friend told me she applied online and got the job... I also want to be a journalist for a local news station so I don't know how that would come off if I was also in the clubs for money but at this point I need to survive and I have a pretty face and a nice ass so I might as well use it... I actually love this because nobody knows who I am on here I wonder if people can see your blogposts if you haven't accepted them as a friend yet...