writepril day 25 awkward in my skin

getting back to my writepril consistency wooooooo. its because im back to having so many thoughts that i need to shit them out. i distract myself by seeing my friends all the time but after a while i revert to my introversion and live in my head even when im physically with people. but especially when im not. like right now! my boss (tosh) has a showing until 12:30 and i got all of my tasks done before 11 so i am kinda just Chilling until lunch. love a little task based job lull. listening to summertime by kreayshawn this song is so good it gives me butterflies and i cant wait to listen to it when its warm again. music i listen to goes with the seasons, i always find myself coming back to the same songs and albums when im in a certain season. i am really hating the discomfort ive been feeling with my physical appearance lately. i know this topic has been plaguing my writeprils but its so constant lately. i usually have little body dysmorphia tricks ive learned like doing cool makeup n wearing cool clothes and listening to songs that make me feel sexy. but that has not been working for the past little bit, i feel awkward in everything that i put on myself, whether its my face or my body. and i can usually kind of shove my self image issues to the side because they aren’t as important as other feelings i might have, but theyre just so persistent and nagging right now that i cant even ignore it. looking at myself makes me sad. i just feel like my physique and facial attributes were so awkwardly designed. i feel totally disproportional. like nothing about the way i look makes sense. getting to a point where i feel deeply insecure around other people especially when any sort of comment is made about the way i look but even outside of that. ill just be around people thinking about how beautiful they are and hating myself because i feel so ugly that it makes me want to hide. i want to start working out or something but im scared im gonna develop an unhealthy relationship with physical activity if i achieve a result that i actually like, because i know how easy it is for me to fall into destructive cycles especially with something as delicate as self image. but whatever we keep moving. ill figure it out. realistically whats on the outside is minimal in importance to whats on the inside for me right now. maybe when my life starts to feel like its coming together more my body image will follow suit. been feeling like running away to montreal for a weekend to see old friends and reconnect with the city but that would be impulsive. i like to be impulsive sometimes though. i might make another post later because im still 2 behind from when i was flopping and i wanna catch up to have a full 30 when i get to the end of the month. so stay tuned. love u guys sorry for being so sad lately!!!! <3