im getting tired

the first time it happened, i was around 8 years old, and my hair was called bedhead. 'it was just a joke,' she said, but my friends and i knew it wasnt, she just didnt want me to tattle. i knew it wasnt right, the stomach in my feelings reminded me that of the hunger i would watch in documentaries about my people. the feeling in my stomach was just pain, though.

the next time i can recall it happening, and hurting me so, was later, about age 13. my friend (funny thing how great friends can be right) called me a word that i dont like saying because who does other than the people who shouldnt be saying it in the first place. no one really cared, once again i had a true friend who pulled me away and testified for me. he kept his friends, and i tried to defend him when i felt bad at the punishment he got, almost as if it were my fault. i had a crush on him, you know.

i cant tell you the next next time it happened, it happened a lot after that.

recently, though, its been getting to me, and im not sure why. why does it hurt so bad? is it because ive now noticed how its affected my chances in finding love in my town? am i shallow for that? am i wrong?

who knows because im still crying and wishing i were different. not physically, just personally. i wish things were different, i wish i wasnt rejected in a way where 'black' is always in the sentence somehow. it makes my stomach hurt and my eyes heavy--so heavy that sometimes i cant get out of bed because i have no one to talk to about it. how could i?

theres nothing to do and no one to run to, cause even our men dont like us, or dont like those darker than me, so what kind of sister would i be if i accept conditional love from them? theres nothing to do and im getting tired.

im oh so tired.

im so so tired.

so goodnight for now.