unfiltered pain

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Self Harm, trauma, drug abuse

I feel like I'm not fucking allowed to feel mad. My parents only focus on the things that I have that are going well for me. They don't give a fuck that I feel like I'm alone because apparently I'm not because I have them. When I get mad, I speak my mind. I tell what I'm really thinking. But all it gets is my dad fucking yelling at me and telling me that "I can't possibly understand how much worse I could have it if I was alone and didn't have them". Fuck that. I don't give a single shit if my life could get worse, it will or it won't. Life is already fucking painful the way it is, and he doesn't fucking understand what it feels like. He can't deal with listening to me and how I feel, they can't fucking get it. He just wants to blow hot air and yell at me, try and tell me that my problems aren't going to kill me and that things are going to get better. THEY ARENT FUCKING BETTER RIGHT NOW. I feel like dogshit, I think about killing myself all the time, and I am fucking miserable every hour of the day, no matter what I'm doing. Telling me it's going to get better is a fucking slap in the face. Better isn't here, and for all I care it isn't coming. Getting better means more work, work I have to do, work I have to put in. If they want to make me fucking feel better they sure as hell aren't doing it. I'm supposed to give a shit about his emotions when he doesn't give a flying fuck about mine? It's not fair. My therapist hasn't solved my problems, things are terrible and they still feel awful. People say I'm making fucking progress, well I don't fucking care I don't feel any different. For all they care about my feelings and care about me, they don't care that it hurts that people say that I'm getting better when things are fucking feeling worse. It's unfair. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of everyone all everything I've been dealing with. I can't catch a fucking break. I have a shitty day at school, and then I come home and deal with this. For context, a friend of mine told me that they were going to kill themself within the next few days, and already took a lethal dose of their medication. It fucking gives me a trauma response because a couple years ago a very very close friend of mine that I had pretty toxic unbalanced friendship with told me they were going to kill themself and it scared me so badly. I tried to talk to them, I tried everything, I tried and they ended up ok but it scarred me. It triggers me, not in the "making me angry" way, but activating a powerful response in me when people tell me they are going to kill themself. It makes me scared, scared for them, scared for myself, in a different way than it should. I think everyone is frightened when they hear someone they know is going to kill themself, but for me, every time I hear it I feel like Max is in danger again and it's my responsibility to keep them alive or I've failed. Hell, sometimes it feels like I'm the one who's going to die, that I'm convincing myself that I'm not going to kill myself, because I've had the same thoughts that these people have, but haven't gone to planning or actually hurting myself. I feel so scared, so vulnerable, so anxious. I'm trying to calm down from that, but my dad fucking freaking out at me wasn't fair. My mom wasn't being fair either. I'm trying to trust them by talking about my feelings like they always want and they say that they care and are willing to hear but they always want to just tell me how things are what they see or what I should be doing or how things are going to go. I don't want to fucking hear it that's not why I'm talking to them. I can't just vent to people and have it be a clean expression of my feelings. I don't get that. Everything hurts. I have a headache. I feel like crying, but the tears aren't coming. I have to go down and get food for my rabbits, and take my medicine, but I don't want to go near them. This fucking sucks, this is the worst day in a long time.