Post Vacation Blog Post

Hey! It's been a little bit since I wrote an update about my life. It's a little cathartic, and I could use a bit of an escape right now. So, here's how things are going! 

Just ended April Vacation, today is my first day back in school. Seeing people again certainly hasn't been fun. I forgot how much I hate some of these people. It's a pain in the ass, but there's only 7 more weeks left. Which, now that I say it, sounds like a hell of a long time. I'm doing shit in some of my classes, and trying to figure out what I'm gonna do about it with my parents is stressful. Probably going to get a tutor, which my brother used to have when he was in high school. He hated it, and I'm a little more impartial, but still not looking forward to it. I had to meet with a possible one in the beginning of break, and that was a terrible experience. In fact, I made a private rant post about it here on my blog. It was so bad, it gave me a literal migraine. I don't feel hopeful about the future. Therapy hasn't been helping, and even though I've been at it for a long time. I think it's at least good to keep going and give it a shot, but I honestly don't trust this new therapist. Shit's hard. And the friend situation isn't doing that well either, I feel like I'm bleeding friendships. On the last day before April break, I went out to eat and play cards with some of my few remaining friends. It was honestly terrible. One of them was being really nasty to me, and the others kind of just went along with it. I don't really want to hang out with them again, but I don't really have other people to go out with. Hell, I rarely even see them around anyways. Its better than whatever shitshow friendships I was suffering last year, but that's not saying much. I'm probably going to stop talking to them sometime soon, and then I'm truly alone haha. My friend at the other highschool stopped talking to me, and one of my friends from middle school hasn't spoken to me in weeks. 

This summer is probably going to be shit. I have a couple weeks left, but I can't even look forward to it. Last summer fucking sucked, and I'm going into this summer with even less friends. I enjoy summers when they are spent with other people. For how reclusive I can get and socially exhausted, I'm actually an extrovert. I really like people, and I get really, really, really lonely. This summer, whether I'm still friends with them or not, the people I talk to rn are going to go away, do other stuff, not interact with me. It's going to be another summer alone. And as this vacation showed me, I don't really have a good time alone. I spent a lot of days just at home, bored and wasting the hours away. Summer's going to be worse, the weather is always shit. I hope to get a job, but honestly I'm sorta a wreck right now, I don't know if I could keep one. My parents insist that at a job I could meet people, but I'm tired of getting hopeful that things will change. I kind of accepted that things are shitty, have been shitty, and will stay shitty. Getting my hopes up only spells disappointment. Hell, I know I'm going to meet new people, in one way or another, but who the hell says I'll like them, let alone that I should be hanging out with them even if I do? The last people I liked talking to hurt me in ways I have yet to recover from. Who can I even trust? I'm probably only going to get social interaction online, but like. That's not fulfilling. What, am I going to go into unfulfilling online relationship? I'm a mess, and I can barely even connect with people right now. I dissociate so hard, it's hard to feel like people in real life exist, let alone online. 

Right now me and my family are trying to get me an IEP, which is a kind of document that gives students certain protections and rights because of mental illness. I tried to get one earlier in the year, and they denied me, but they kind of fucked up at the last meeting so we got a specialist to back us up and are trying again. If I get through this meeting, I can possibly get the chance to go somewhere else for school next year. I can't stand the idea of being here next year. This highschool fucking sucks, and people here hate me and I hate them. I haven't had a single good experience here that lasted. This place has actively made my life worse, and continues to do so for every goddamn second I'm here. And don't even get me started on the other highschool my town has, that place is a cesspool of sociopaths and pricks. I deliberately came here to avoid dozens of people from my middle school, but it appears that "here" isn't much better. I don't even want to imagine suffering going there though, that would be worse. This school isn't much better though, and I just want to get out of this district, get out of this life. The IEP will help me with that, hopefully. 

So, I'll summarize how my vacation went for those of you who are curious. The day school ended, like I said, I had a terrible experience with the people I still call friends. Next day I was stuck cleaning, and then that meeting with the shitty tutor. Sunday is where things got a bit better. I went out with my family to this farm/bed and breakfast place in New Hampshire, called East Hill Farm. They give you all included meals and have constant activities and animals to be with, and it was probably the highlight of my vacation. Eating good food, trying and failing to get eggs from the chickens, and having a generally good time with my parents. Then we left, and I was already starting to feel shitty at the end of the stay, but it kind of just kicked into overdrive. There were a couple of good highlights in between the moments of constant heavy depression. I saw a movie with my parents last Wednesday called Suzume, by the same people who made Weathering With You and Your Name, really really good movies by Makoto Shinaki. It's an animated drama/romance/fantasy about a girl who gets caught up in stopping spirits from causing earthquakes. It was great, and I made a blog post about it at the time. The one shitty little part was one of the people in the audience claiming that a scene sounded like a hentai when it was the tamest shit ever, which pissed me off for a bit, but otherwise it was great. Thursday and Friday weren't very good, I didn't do much and just stayed at home bored and unhappy. On Saturday I went on a long walk around my town, played with my bunnies, and made some accomplishments in a game I've been playing. I picked up Plants Vs. Zombies on Steam after recalling how much fun I had as a kid playing it, and it's been good to replay. Yesterday, my last day of vacation, I went to see Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves. I'll say, it was pretty good! Exceeded my expectations, I thought it might be pretty shitty but after hearing good things from my cousin and some people I follow online, I thought hey, might as well give it a shot, and it turned out to be a pretty fun and pleasant movie. Made me want to be playing in a campaign, or running one, but alas, I don't have anyone to play with at the moment. Hoping to find some people sometime or another, hell, maybe I'll put out a bulletin asking if people on here want to play sometime soon. But anyways, it was a good movie, and then that was it, vacation over, and now I'm here. Overall, vacation didn't do it for me. It wasn't a bad vacation, but I had plenty of really unhappy moments, especially in the beginning and end, that made it unpleasant for a decent bit. 

So, I have a decent amount of school ahead of me, a bunch of stuff to do, a lot of time on my hands and nothing good to use it on. I plan on meeting and interacting with more of yall, you guys can be fun. It's good to be here, and I usually go inactive during vacation, so it's good to be back (I never really left but shh). No plans for anything interesting, just hoping to meet more people and do more stuff. OH, I really want to hit 10,000 views on my page! That would be really cool. Anyways, thank you for reading, I hope your day is wonderful, and feel free to say hi whenever, I'd love the company <3. 

-Sylvie