writepril day 23 CONSISTENCY

slow but sweet day today. woke up angsty, decided to be gracious with myself by not showering (sometimes i consider a shower being gracious with myself but i also have this ritual of showering and doing my makeup a certain way and perpetuating a physical self that im more comfortable with) and overall trying to take less account of how i look and more of how i feel. i went to a vintage store in hamilton with my mom and it was just so lovely! expensive as all hell but there were a couple things there i might have to go back for. there was this stunning dress that i just need to try on to see if it would work on me. not to mention they had this insane clown-esque bone in corset that i also need to go back to try on. i didnt buy anything because i am broke and just went for the ride and something to do. but i did notice that hamilton is a cute little place! ive been there so many times but it felt special today there was something  about it that felt shaded in glimmer. it reminded of montreal because they both have those old apartments outlined in statuesque carved brick mixed with new corporate all glass skyscraper type of buildings. it feels like a necessary balance of worlds to me. i missed that about montreal and it made me feel tingly in hamilton today so maybe ill visit there more. never expected myself to go on a tangent about stink city hamilton. after that i got home and we decided to have a movie night because bestie kate did not feel up to going to the drive in T.T Missed her so much. But alas the ladies had fun watching the famed hit thriller m3gan. i actually zoned in and watched basically the entire thing for some reason, which is only shocking because of my rat brain that can’t focus on one thing at once. but i focused for the most part and wow, i guess i like movies! so many laughs and so much loveliness to see my besties as always. i’ve been starting to notice some dips in my social demeanour since ive stopped drinking and it’s been a bit difficult to find balance in it. alcohol mimicked the social comfort ive never been able to perform without it. ive kind of lost that whole carefree aspect that drunkenness gives you where you feel like you can run and scream and hug and cry and joke and nobody cares everyones having fun. but sometimes when others are drinking and im not i feel myself struggling to keep up at their pace socially. im trying to write this out in a way that makes sense but it still barely makes sense to me because i’m still learning how to function without the drug i chose to make hard parts of my life easier. but hey, nobody ever said it was easy! and i know with time i’ll come to that balance and ill have more experience under my belt to know how approach unfamiliar social situations when it comes to drinking. U feel me. anyway i went very journal entry stream of consciousness with it today so hope u enjoy. glad to be back on some consistency with da writepril and actually been looking forward to write again! Love yous <3