Blog #10

My love, 

My heart is filled with the butterflies that remind me of you each day as the weeks go by until we see each other once again. I cannot peer even once around my room without being reminded of you. Your smile, your laugh, the way you hold me so dearly. I cannot ignore the references that sit amongst me of you, and although they make you feel so close, they enhance even more the reality that is your distance. My heart is heavy with sorrow each time I squeeze a pillow close to me. The blankets from the dryer and the heater alongside my face are no substitute for your company. Your absence is painful. I look forward to each time I meet with you yet rue the feelings of detriment which set in just minutes after you leave. Every time you hold me, my heart holds on longer to that bit of your soul I feel. Your beauty has my mind in a chokehold, but your soul even more so. I pray there will come a day where I may hold you without pressure to let go. Where I may lock my stare into yours, and let you capture me with all that is pure. 

Every item you have given me omits your energy. I cannot fathom being unable to smile each time I lift a piece of your memorabilia, as there is an intoxicating presence of joy which rushes through my veins each time I do so. I love you from the center of my spirit, and I will never allow you to forget the undeniable admiration that swallows me every time I even just glance at your name alone. If I wear to have been spirited as a flower, I would only long for your presence rather than the sun. No rain, soil, or tending from any nearby gardener would be able to maneuver my gaze from the alluring illustration that is your face. My darling, I would drown myself if you resided at the deepest depths of the sea, if it just meant I would be able to see you once more. 

I pray the day on which you sit by my grave that you will not forget this love. If you forget my face, my name, if you forget all which we have done together and all that we will do, promise me you will not forget my words. My only wish for once I am no longer here is that in your thoughts and actions, I am alive. I leave you these letters so I am not far once I sleep. If they bury me miles below, remember that I am asleep. If they burn me against my wishes and give me to you to keep close, remember that I am asleep. If I disappear or am cast into the sea of scientific investigation, keep at the forefront of your mind that I am not nor will ever be gone. I long for the time the trumpets sound and I see you once again. I pray thousands of times over that you will be one whom hears the trumpets, too. That you will not run once my God shows his face. That you will never take another on this earth before I climb alive from a lifeless grave. I am not without you nor with you. I am not present nor gone, just at rest. 

And I pray too that the days where you reopen this letter in sadness are long in the future. For the time that I am by you, listen to me speak, rather than read. Do not dwell on what the years forward entail or do not entail. I love you now, for you now, and for all that you will be. I smile to you now so that you may hold such smiles after I am gone. But these things are for that alone, "after". Today, I am here. Today I hold you, or maybe I hold what I have convinced myself is you. Today you hear my voice- you hear what I cannot say despite me trying to say it. I rejoice in the time that you have invested in me despite me being completely undeserving. You are all I love. Not as a singular attribute, but you as a being. As a soul, an essence, an idea- I love you, and you alone. I praise God for the life he has given me and the grace he has shown to allow me to spend it with you. You are not only a blessing, but my blessing. I do not know one who has ever received such a valuable blessing in their entire lifetime. 

I pray that these things I feel, you feel too. I pray when you hold me, I am not one amongst many, but one alone. 

I pray you remember me, today, tomorrow, and forever. 

Alexi