I'm loosing it 4/21/23

I've relapsed on everything. Anorexia is back. I am also back to throwing up in the school bathroom; not often though, I hate throwing up. I usually do it over the summer in the bay bathrooms. Nobody can find out there.

I cut myself after thinking of it for days, finally got out my old dull blades. They really didn't do anything, just styros. I feel like an idiot. I waited for him to ask me what was wrong. He never did, he never said a thing.

I hadn't eaten for 48 hours and became very lathargic and tired. It was only 3pm, and he started falling asleep later in the day, I was wide awake with my stomach screaming. I needed food but I couldn't, I just couldn't.

I got dizzy, I told him, he just told me to lay down. He didn't question why- he didn't ask if I was okay.

Maybe he's just used to me denying help and that's why he stopped asking. Part of me is scared of him, I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. Because whenever I think of him all I can think of is arms holding my hair. I can't see a monster, only when he hurts me do I see the real person he is, that's when I know what he is doing. But even then I can't truly see it. I hate you #. But god do I love you.