The concept of me

I never understand myself, I never knew how anything works around me. When I was a pre teen, I didnt know how to take care of myself, specially because I used to be in a really bad place when I was 13. Deodorant and daily showers were not something usual, I sometimes would wake up at 7am in the weekends and stay in bed till 1pm because I couldnt get up. The only thing that convinced me to get up were my friends, because they were convincing me to get out the house. Pre teen was a very special time for me, I was the most depressed yet also very happy because atleast I had friends. I used to spent alot of time in my bed, like most of my diaries or sketchbooks I finished on my bed, its s comfort zone I never thought of leaving. Also watching „perfect blue“ with 13 year old, in the midnight, might have been a bad idea.

Sometimes I would do certain habits I did when I was thirteen, binge watching shows, dancing around, craving tea, talking to myself in three different languages, anything. 

I luckily know how to take care of myself, but it just doesnt work for me sometimes. Something that seems easy for others is a big difficulty for me, even the most simple things like making a coffee. 

I am a daydreamer, and its so bad and happens so often, I might be sick of it. I even wrote the whole story of things that happen in my dreams or the people I meet there in order to not think about it anymore, but it comforts me so much to daydream. 

And imagination, I always think the empty seat in the bus or dinning table next to me is taken by someone I know really well. Its always a different person. I might be crazy yall, luckily I didnt come to the point of talking go imaginary people in public hahaha 

Craving to dye my hair blond for years now, just to look like a typical albanian bride, thats also a thing! I remember my mom used to always compare me to other albanian daughters of her friends, how good their albanian is and how pretty they are and I used to feel less like an albanian or like a muslim. I just felt lost, forgot who I was, who my people were, where I belonged.