trauma dumppp

I guess I just need to vent I don't know this feels cool it feels like im on myspace in the 2000s. I hope Im not doing this life thing wrong I guess you could say im very hedonistic I like to indulge myself doing things I like and not really doing things I I don't like... but I will make sacrifices if I have to but mostly I still try to be myself within those confines... like within capitalism.. within my mother's house... and I know its crazy yet another super private place to vent as if two finstas and countless diaries isn't enough. too be far the my main diary has a lock on it and both fiestas are private, one to my close friends and another is like an online diary I also post terrible pictures on tiktok when my bf pisses me off... I didn't listen to my cousin when she said I would star smoking again if I stayed in my mother's house.. she was right but this time its cigarettes and not weed lmao honestly I just do it because it looks cool and I still have that oral fixation... it actually makes me more anxious like visible shaking but I just have an emergency pack not to smoke when im bored like I am right now but in cases of extreme stress AND cold. and for some reason I just thought about my dead friends blog me and another friend looked at it together the other day on FaceTime thinking about how silly and real she was. I miss her sometimes especially when I watch anime or listen to Grimes... and as I was typing this my window slid down a bit and scared the batshit out of me... I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently because Ive gotten into prison reform and how do we forgive hoe do we as a society forgive "crimes". my friend says we don't have to forgive people but its so hard I want to love my mother but some things he's done and the length s she will go to defend those horrid actions do not warrant forgiveness... or how do I forgive my boyfriend for loving me... I think through time and conversations I have learned to forgive but I think that is only the case if the person isn't a repeat offender and I don't mean in terms of crimes although I would call the things my mother has done to me crimes... am I too forgiving in my other relationships because my earliest ones were shitty? how does my cousin forgive me for making fun of her weight when we were younger and often times siding with my mother... I think I have forgiven myself because I was just a child following my in-home "role model" but does she forgive me? she used to make fun of me for my complexion too when we were younger I've forgiven her because I used to hate my skin too... we just don't talk about it... anyways im leaving the comments on because I don't really have followers on here but don't be mean lol 

kisses,

blkbarbi333