stupid

sometimes i wish i didnt form a deep connection with you because that would make not longing for you so much easier. sometimes i wish life was easier, that unconditional love existed outside of your parents. im not naive in knowing that what we had, is something i would search lifetimes for. well most aspects besides the one of you being able to live without me. i dont want to accept that i love  deeper than you but i know we're not the same. if you loved me to the depths i do you, we'd be at the bottom of the ocean together. but it feels like youre sky high without me. all i've ever wanted was to be together, even if i cant see you everyday like we used to. this affection i have for you really cant be contained by mere distance. even you clawing me away doesnt do it. i will always see distance as the solution to our biggest problem, inseparability. but i cant force you to see things the way i do. ive explained myself and youve listened, the rest is up to your mind and the world. i want to ask you about how your day was, talk about your classes, what you had to eat, how your friends are doing, but somewhere along the lines of my caring you found annoyance. its too much for you. instead of seeing me as a stable part in your day that welcomes you with open arms; you see me as too needy. you feel like i control you, inhibit you, take you away from the life you want to live. i cant say anything about that. if thats how you really feel; im never going to change. i love hard and i know the right person will cherish that. maybe it is that you dont think you're good enough for me and i also cant say anything about that. im once again in a place in life where i feel almost fully out of control. i can tell you countless times that you are the man i want but if youre fighting with yourself internally and dont let me in, i cant help. which is another thing that sucks, not being able to help someone who i hate to see hurting. life has been feeling so real recently, so slow and mellow. maybe its because my angel, childhood cat passed away or knowing that you left again after saying you "came to a realization". if you really left in the first place to see what else was out there, wouldnt you have realized a couple months in that you liked me more? or why did you choose her if you knew for the most part it wasent right? id like to believe that something i feel so confident in has to be reciprocated. im not going to beg for you anymore. its your choice if you see me for who i am and choose me. no more bringing up all i've done because you already know. you know my flaws too. my strengths as well. youve seen us work and youve seen us not. partnerships are a two person road that, with hard work honestly, converge and compliment eachother. if you come back into my life you better be positive and truly know my worth. im not upset at you for your complications because we're both human. ive done some messed stuff and youve still accepted me and i adore you for that. 

i've reread this a couple times and i cant tell if im being mean or not, but just know im not trying to be mean, nor do i know if youre ever going to see this. i have hurt so many people to stay close to you, hoping one day youll grab my hand. the way you make me feel cant be for nothing. but i have also come to terms with this not being what you want. maybe you have a bunch of reasons why this isnt what you want, and i cant say anything to that. im really tired of showing and proving myself to you. and now it sounds like im depressed or something, but im also not that. im trying to say that, im not mad at you for coming and leaving, but i dont want this to be a habit; especially not with my love. 

like we said, its adult relationship time. im not always going to be here if you dont choose me, as much as i want to be. if its meant to be we will both put in effort to make things work. if its not, just know that i have such bottomless love for you and wish you only the best in life.