i literally hate bpd sm wtf. but uh also creek :D

i literally can't stop thinking about him like why can't my brain STFU. it was easter and i just realized today he didn't even reach out. last year he reached out first which made me sooo happy. and then he sent me a picture of himself wearing a flower crown even tho he said he hated that picture. it made my whole day :)) this easter was still amazing this year but i miss him. i genuinely can't find peace anymore and it's driving me insane. even when i'm distracted idk how to explain it but like ik he's gone. i hate all social media. i hate my brain. i literally have friends asking to hang out with me and i still feel so so unhappy. and i feel like i can't talk to my therapist about it because i'm being too dramatic and idk if this one is even going to be helpful smh.

uhhhh on the other hand creek!!! CREEK!!!! i love creek. i love creek fluff. i love creek angst. i love creek hurt comfort. i love creek. if anyone has any good creek fanfiction pls tell me. i will go and find some soon i just want to finish my other stuff first :D literally the only things keeping me going rn are all my fluff things.

also i'm losing the oldest friend i've had. at about a year again. LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. i almost make it to a year. or i get a little past a year. and then they're gone. i can't do this anymore i'm seriously not trying to be angsty but i can't. i go to school every day and try to make ppl feel better and joke and maybe i do enjoy it sometimes, i actually love it and feel euphoric. and then something happens and i spiral and i feel horrible. and all the criticism gets to me every single little thing. i literally can't take this anymore i'm so sick. i feel like crying.

anyway gonna go watch my bl now until i hopefully forget i exist (even as a fake person in a fake world. depersonalization sucks). it's okay.