writepril day 12

i am very absentminded today. it feels like i can only think about one thing at a time. struggling to write anything because right now im focusing on the sound of the highway. i had a panic attack for the first time in a while yesterday and it was scary. it was one of the bad ones where i forget how to breathe and my face tingles and my body shakes and jerks uncontrollaby. i started crying so hard while petting suki yesterday because i got really overwhelmed having to remember how temporary every living thing is and i cant even comfort myself with the luck of youth because nothing is a guarantee. i feel like isolating myself from everything but i shouldnt do that. i have gotten so comfortable being my own support system that i feel guilty or wrong reaching out to people for help. i just waited out a panic attack while not being able to do normal things like walk or breathe or see properly. not sure what to do with that i am just being sad and self deprecating. my cat passed away yesterday which everyone apparently knew before i did. not mad about that just odd to think about. i had her since i was too young to remember. she was always very special to me. she loved people and hated other cats. so much so that she drove our other childhood cat out of our house to my grandmas. she used to always put her paws around you when you picked her up to give you a hug and she would purr so hard she would start drooling. her name was gwen, gwendolyn for long but she had a million nicknames like all of our pets do. most recently she was affectionately called ginny. she had a rough past year or so with her health declining and i feel really guilty that nothing was done sooner and i just hope shes at peace now. i think if anyone or anything dies again i will snap so im hoping God can chill with that for a while. sorry to my friends for not being as engaging as usual ill catch up when im not so sad. hope everyone has a good day