"I don't want what you have, I wanna be you!"

Lately, I've been trying to be a better person. I was never bad, exactly, just inadequate. Part of becoming better is actually putting myself out there and interacting with other people. I've been pulling up my academics and learning how to drive. I'm trying to fix my life before it becomes unfixable.

I've been socially isolated for a long time, mostly by choice. I can hold a conversation and am generally described as pleasant, but other people scare me. In the past, I would have acquaintances and no real friends. I'm going to be honest, putting myself out there sucks. Surrounding myself with accomplished people sucks. It makes me hyperaware of the fact I've kind of wasted my life up to this point. So much wasted potential. Hah, that phrase has followed me since grade school.

So that's where the title comes in, I guess. Considering the context of my life, I will never be on the same level as these people are. Even if I woke up tomorrow completely changed and began a new life as a highly motivated person, I would still be marked by my previous laziness. The only way I would be able to finally be "good" is to completely transform my life until I would no longer be recognizable. (Side note: why do I seem to have such a black-and-white view of good and bad? Why do I believe myself so strongly to be bad? I don't know. I just feel it. It's not logical in the slightest.)

Some days I want to give up on being better and continue my comfortable slide into nothing. Scratch that, most days. I'm still trying, though. I will overcome my flaws and make something of myself, I swear it.