aged 4/7/2023

if i could talk to my past selves, i would want to talk to me at age 7, 12, and 15. somehow, it seems i thought i was grown my whole life. it's a weird feeling, to think back to who i was and wanting to meet me then. but past me is somehow still me. all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are still me, from the day i was born. i'm not the same person i was at those ages, but weirdly enough, i am? it feels good to think about it like that. i'm never alone if i have me.

if i could meet myself at 15, i wonder if i would marvel at myself. so many things i never thought possible for me, are things i don't think twice about now. look at me, i like how i look! i don't live at home anymore. i talk to people daily and people want to talk to me. boys have liked me and i've rejected some. me, rejecting people! i never thought it'd be possible. i'd probably ask myself why i question those who i like are interested in me. they want you, what's the problem. who cares if you don't want them if they want you. it's been your dreams for years, a boyfriend of your own, someone who wants to see you daily and thinks about you when you aren't around. it doesn't sound real, especially the idea of rejecting. and the clothes i wear. they've been a dream. i can do makeup and i don't look out of place anymore. my music taste isn't something i recognize, and it's glorious. all those fantasies of the life i now live. i wish i could do future vision. i wish i knew what to expect. everytime i thought i've hit the worst of the worst, something else comes around. but at the same time, i've experienced new forms of happiness, things i never thought were for me. 

it's sad to think at no time of my life was i happy with where i was. is that the only constant in my life? thinking about the future and what could possibly come next or what i let pass me by? never being able to look around and think that where i am is okay. i have so much life ahead of me and i'm not sure how to properly enjoy it before it's genuinely too late. it's insane that these thoughts are cliche and everyone thinks them at this age in life, but no one knows how to cure it.