Confused. 4/6/23

I feel like I should stop only writing about him. And I don't mean just in my journals; he's all in my poetry too. When he goes, I will die. Not part of me, all of me. I have built my entire life for over a year around him, so who am I without him? Nobody, that's who. You've always been a fucking nobody. I feel like I don't deserve him.

He brushes me off all the time to go play video games. He's an asshole, really. I don't know why I stay, he makes me mad a lot, but I think it really is because without him I am nobody. He makes me feel special, and when I think of him I am happy, I am delicate, I feel good. I'm lonely without him, not just any kind of lonely but I am lonely.

It's so obvious I'm more mature, he even says I'm mature for my age. Am I really though? I'm 15, he's 32, he's probably 6 steps ahead of me. I just need this to be a love story, that's why I read so many books that paint it as that.. because I am so lost. I was wearing my pink and white pajamas. They're grandma like; but I think they're cute. I took off the pants and just glared at myself with my thighs showing and the pajama top just covering my underwear. I think he'd like to see me like that. He always says things like, "I need you" but only really when I show myself off to him. He used to say more but over time he just stopped. Maybe My Dark Vanessa's' story is like mine. Maybe all he wants is a child. It doesn't feel that way though. I really believe he loves me, if he doesn't why would he stay? Risk so much for me.

It's awful really, these thoughts, I've been having. I'm just really confused. I can't turn to anybody. I think that's why I made this blog. So that I could ask these questions, look back at them when I'm older and think to myself, damn.

One day I'll send him this blog, send him the raw journal too. And If I can't send it to him I'll publish a book about our story. Maybe some other 15 year old girl will look at this and think to herself, I've been feeling the same way. I have no where to turn. I love him but oh do I hate him sometimes. He hurts me with the things he says at times. Sometimes I just want to ask him why. I want to read him my poetry, my ones about him. I want to be acknowledged. I want to be heard, I want him to understand, understand what is going through my head about him. I want to remind him I'm only 15. I know I'm meant to be mature but I'm a 15 year old girl going through high school. I'm emotional, I'm annoying, I'm attention-seeky. I'm immature. He get upset whenever I do sometimes that's immature, but I can't control it. Maybe it's because it reminds him I'm 15.

As I write this I feel like what's happening between us, it shouldn't hurt me. I want it don't I? I'm not running, I love him. I'm asking for all of this. I'm just so confused about all of these emotions. I just want him to hold me, whisper in my ear and tell me, "I understand, its okay (my name)." But the whole thing is that I don't even understand it #. Make me understand once and for all so I'll feel whole again. I need you to explain it to me.

I've been listening to Fiona Apple and Lana Del Rey a lot more often than normal, they've always been my favorites, but they understand, they get it. Their lyrics help, I imagine whenever we listen to music together and I play their music he'll hear it and think, is this how she feels?