My Dark Vanessa and me

"Sometimes it feels like that's all I'm doing every time I reach out-- trying to haunt, to drag him back in time, asking him tot ell me again what happened. Make me understand it once and for all. Because I'm still stuck here. I can't move on."

Vanessa in her 20's now, say's this, and honestly this line terrifies me. Because will I move on? Each time he left he wouldn't leave my mind. He left me abandoned, He escaped but I am left feeling trapped. Even if he came back now, I am still lost. I am a balloon in a tree, just like Vanessa felt. I am stuck, confused, how do I learn normal love? I never got the closure I've so desperately needed from him. He left over the summer, he left again, December 5th 2022, a date that will be burnt into my skin, just like April 3rd will. When is he going to abandon me again? When will he leave me confused and chained up again? Will our story ever end, I doubt it. There will always be late night phone calls, dirty sweaty sex in his stupid twin sized mattress, empty "I love you"s. No matter if he is here or not, I will always be just as confused, lost, scared, abandoned, love in love and lust, as ever before. I'll never understand why. He asked me why I love him so much, and honestly I have no idea.

-STUCK