The lowest time of my life

The lowest my life has been (so far) was around March-September of 2022. I literally hated/loved it. My only friends were Karma, Sir D, Iyaan (their online names i wont show their real ones). We were sorta online friends. I knew Karma irl but ever since quarantine I never saw him since. We only talked online, and during school meetings when we had to be there, we never talked. I guess I wasn’t really comfortable talking with people after 2 years. He wasn’t the best (personality wise) but we’ve gone through a lot together. Well, online. We played so many games together and went through a bunch of friend-groups together. All four of us became friends through him. Except Iyaan. I used to be neighbours with her when I lived with my grandparents until age 9. I moved right before my 10th birthday. We still kept in touch after that. Out of all 3 of them, I was closest with her. Karma and Iyaan became friends while I was playing roblox with her and karma joined my game. We all went in vc and they got to know each other. Then the 3 of us became sort off a trio. We went through a total of 2 friends groups together. The last one didn’t end well. We met a friend of Karma’s and he was really really really younger than us. But he was the most problematic one. His online name was Marky or Markus. He was racist but “as a joke” and he was really perverted to Iyaan, whilst being 3 years younger than her. This friend-group went on for 1 month (this was around March-April). During those times, I was often left out because Markus didn’t really like me that much. Everytime he wanted to play, he’d always call Iyaan and Karma and not me. I was only included when Karma stood up for me and invited me. Iyaan didn’t for god knows why. It all ended when Marky confessed to Iyaan and she rejected him. Marky then continued to call Karma and me racial slurs and then we kicked him out of the group-chat. We all laughed it out and called it a night. I was about to sleep until I got spam texts from Markus. He called me things like “sl*t” “wh*re” the t-slur and the f-slur. He also started to degrade me and talk shit about my interests and me in general. He then threatened to find me and do horrible things to me and it caused shiver down my spine. I was shocked cause he was too young to know any of this. He then said that he knew where Iyaan lived and would find my home sooner or later. I blocked him immediately without responding. I never said anything to Iyaan and Karma. They never got any message from Markus. It was only me who received the death-threats and comments from him. I was genuinely sad that week. The things he said got to me and I had to take a break from the internet. The rest got he month was spent with only the 3 of us. 

Karma was and still is really good at making friends. Though he can be stubborn, he manages his way into peoples hearts. He can do a lot of things when it came to socialising online. One day he added me to a discord server and said asked me to start adding roles and bots to it. I did what he asked for and he edited the rest. It was a group for a game he was interested in. He made a server for friends that he made on it. He also made me play the game with him. Before he really added everyone to the server, he added Iyaan and another friend of his. His name was Lon. He was 16 during the time I met him. He was really kind and bubbly for his age. He had a (sorta?) boyfriend who he added to the server later on. I, Iyaan, Karma, and Lon built up the server by adding our own friends. We had about 50 people in the server. It was fun chatting everyone. I wasn’t really the type to vc with anyone. It took me a week to trust Lon and the first time we went on vc, my god his voice was so deep. It scared me since my voice is higher than usual. I tried talking differently with him  and everyone else on the server voice wise. Iyaan and Karma of course noticed and talked to me about it. They understood my reasons and continued to let me force my voice differently. The server was doing great, but I had to leave for a week. I was grounded and I got my phone, laptop, and pc taken away. When I came back, Iyaan and Karma were so glad to see me in our separate gc, but they added someone else during my absence. His name was Sir D. I was concerned because I thought they have replaced me with him. We catches up and everything was swell. I was sceptical of Sir d so we were never close. Whenever Iyaan and I were on bc and Sir D and Karma joined, I would go on mute instantly and say that my parents were asking me to go somewhere. I did this for as long as I can remember. I distanced myself from them for a month and they sorta forgot about me. They stopped asking me to go on calls with them and stopped asking me I was okay. I couldn’t handle this sudden change. I couldn’t handle that my friends for 3 years could just drop me and replace me. I thought of it as my fault and something I should make up for. Out of nowhere I joined their bc and started talking but not as myself. Karma and Iyaan knew that during vcs before I’d never talk and this sudden change in my tone and personality was something they couldn’t ignore. They talked to me about it and I just said that I was feeling extra happy. This act continued till it was apart of me. I lasted for about a month and no one really noticed I wasn’t acting myself. Until THE ONE AND ONLY SIR D KNEW. He knew. He sensed I was being uncomfortable. He knew it was act before the people I’ve been with since birth. It kinda made me upset but it’s alright. I opened up to him and my god I got the best therapy session I could ever have. After that we got closer I was more comfortable with him.

The server died down because Lon left for his new irl girlfriend and he was the main reason people talked in the server. So it all just shut down and us four just made our own group. It was the best and worst part of my life. We bonded over a failed project of Iyaan’s which was a webtoon comic. But then things started happening with karma. He got suicidal and he started cutting himself. He opened up to me and we talked about it and he keeps on saying it’s his fault that “she” doesn’t like him anymore. And I was so confused. I asked who “she” was and he didn’t and wont respond. This was like a monthly thing now. He would send a message about how he wanted to end it leaving me panicked when he wont respond and he would just talk to me the next day like nothing happened. Sir d said I should just leave him. “He won’t do it” he said. But there is something in me that keeps trying to talk him out of it, even though I know he wont do it but it still scares me. He scares me everytime he does it. I know you should always look out for others but he was so mentally draining. Not only does he not care about how I feel, he makes everything about himself. I try to talk about my horrible day, and he always makes it about him. I want to talk to my friends about my recent dead cousin, he makes it about himself. It sucks, and I’m the only one who cares about him. It went in like this and Iyaan had enough. She scolded him and he got angry. They got into a big fight and me and sir d couldn’t do anything about it. We can’t stop them. They ignored us. Iyaan left the gc and it was quiet. I added Iyaan back and Karma just shut up for a while. 

School started and we all got distant. Karma and I still talk a lot but Iyaan is too focused on school to even have 1 full conversation with her.. I have not heard of Sir D since October. 

Yep

(sorry for the bad gramma in most parts. Im just upset that i miss this era of life)