i hate being trans (but i love twilight)

so pretty much i need new shorts for the summer and i had to go shopping with my mom :/ and everything fits me in such a wrong way. i only have one pair of shorts i really like to wear rn and they're huge men's cargo shorts. i also have running shorts which i love. but they're shorter and so i know they make ppl see me as a girl. idec tho they make me comfortable so i'm wearing them.

i just felt really bad and sick earlier and my mom didn't understand why i was so upset and just wanted to go home. i want to be normal. i love all trans ppl i think they should be able to be whoever they want <3 but not me personally. i want to be cis. i want to be a girl. i LOVE glitter. i want to be able to wear eyeliner and makeup without feeling shitty. i want to be able to wear crop tops and bedazzled short shorts. but i can't because i feel gross. and it's not just some internalized thing it's who i am.

i want to have top surgery and stop my period and have a deeper voice and more muscles. idk how but i want that. i want to live my life free. but ik i can't because i would have to come out to my mom and that is not happening. i'd rather keep it all inside. plus maybe i'll change my mind. i hope so. because i'm tired of not feeling at home in my own body. i've felt like this for years and it sucks actual balls.

at least i have cool hair B) also there was a glittery crop top that said team edward on it in glitter letters at hot topic a while ago and i want it. i could never because it would upset my mom but it's so amazinggg (even if i am team jacob).