The Chicken or The Egg? (Accountability)

I think back to the type of person I was as a kid. I was staunchly dogmatic and opinionated. I was super Christian and tried to argue that science was just as unsure (to be fair, I still fully understand that science is primarily theory.) I was just as much of a convincing, loud mouth, fighter and now I just have different beliefs. So I've sort of come to a conclusion that what is true and real sometimes is suspended in the air and the angle you look at it determines what you believe.

The internet has brought us to an age where something could happen right in front of your eyes and people will still tell you you're wrong. Facts don't really exist anymore, and to be honest, maybe they never have.

I think back to the kid I was and wonder, if the internet didn't completely come at my brain like a cheese-grater at the chipper age of 11 years old, would I still be a passionate conservative? Did something about the internet give me the gift of self awareness, or did it just help me reach that point? Because I really feel like there's a severed timeline where I become a conservative commentator. The only way it wouldn't have happened is if I, honest to god, would have met a boy my age at church.

IRONICALLY, when I was a child, the church was literally populated like 50% by teenage boys, it felt like. That was the time in my life where I wished there were more girls. And then when I became a teenager and became interested in the world of relationships, all I had was my best friend Desiree. (Wouldn't trade her for the world, but it's still ironic.)

Anyways, I have a tendency to feel like the world is ending anytime I am inconvenient, and I 've made an inconvenience of myself once again. I requested a vacation at work, and I just realized right now that it is the same week that my other co-worker scheduled a medical appointment.

As an initial reaction, at first I felt defensive. I wanted to defend why I had a right to go on this vacation- but at the end of the day I need to just admit that there is no real justification. I just want to do it. And I also sent my request in late. So, I mean, I just really have to talk to the branch managers but also, I just feel embarrassed for putting people in an uncomfortable position. But maybe I should just accept that I am morally gray as everyone else.

I don't need to justify, I don't need to think about how I've also been inconvenienced, I don't need to deserve to be inconvenient, as a human being I just am sometimes and I guess we just have to deal with it.

I'm very sad and anxious about this. It may feel silly but this has made me think about the comfort of the abysss again. And perhaps maybe that's further reason to go.

But I don't need further reasoning, I just want to do it.

I think about the time my mom took me to Disney Land for one week, specifically finals week when I was a freshman. It's still annoying to think she's never thought about my situation, but other than that, the week was still memorable.

Maybe that's also why I'm so conscious of being inconvenient though. Because my mom genuinely does not care if she is one, and I've never liked that about her. I theorize she just isn't capable of making a single convenient decision, and I can't fault her for that.

That week in Disneyland, the lady we stayed with also ended up fighting with her husband, lowkey because of us. She took us to Disney land from San Fran, and had her gay best friend drive us. The husband did not like that she was with another man, despite the fact he was gay. So I remember laying in that guest room, my mother and I staring at each other, with their screaming in the background.

I don't want to be inconvenient, generally. And I'd like to avoid it as much as possible. But I also need to get a grip and understand that it just happens sometimes. Sometimes you have a selfish desire and sometimes you just go for it and see how it goes.

This isn't me trying to relieve myself of accountability by saying eh human error, this is me acknowledging that I'm making a selfish decision right now, and it's gonna be a huge inconvenience, and it's not okay but I will still do it.