Gender Stuff

My gender identity has shifted a shit ton over the years, and I want to talk a little bit about that with yall today! I forgot my laptop at home, so bare in mind that this is being typed up on a phone quickly and might have some errors or be shorter than usual. I wanted to make this because people who have had similar experiences to things I relate to helped me understand my gender identity as I progressed in life, and so even though I’m not at the end of my journey I’m hoping that someone might see this, think of how they’ve been feeling, and get a little validated. 

So, I was born a cis guy, aka male. Was pretty chill with my identity as a boy growing up, but in hind sight there have been some stuff that might suggest otherwise. I was a pretty imaginative kid, and I liked to think a lot about how life could be different. Sometimes I’d stare in the mirror and think about what it would be like if I was born a girl, and if I’d be happy and how that life would look like. All of this stuff was pretty benign, until about 2 years ago when I was questioning my sexuality. I wasn’t really sure of who I was back then, for the first time in my life. And that really shook up my perspective of things. A friend of mine at the time, with fragile masculinity himself, god he was so insecure, gave me a compliment, saying that he thought I was very masculine. I smiled and took it in a positive light at the time, but in my head something felt a little… off? about it. I jotted it down to maybe just feeling uncomfortable with compliments for a while, but it was nagging me. I thought hard about it and then realized: I dont actually want to be seen as masculine. This at the time was a pretty big realization, and kind of shook my idea of my gender identity. Like, I wasn’t a girl! but I didn’t really want to feel “manly”? And I thought like, maybe I was against hyper-masculenity, like the toxic stuff, maybe that was what I meant, but nah. I didn’t really like being seen as a man at all. At the time, this was a little much to be dealing with as a revelation, and I already had the sexuality stuff on my plate to deal with. So I told myself, ok, I’ll hold on for a couple years, wait until I figure out my sexuality, and then deal with this shit. No big deal, I can wait. Haha. So I thought.

So, at the time, there was a running joke about catmaid costumes, and I made a bet with one of my friends that if they did something I’d buy and wear one. As a joke, of course. But they did it, and no one expected me to follow through, but yeah, I bought the outfit and wore it, for fun, when we were hanging out once. I felt kinda awkward at the time, but I’ll admit. I really liked it. Not because it was embarrassing, but because. I dunno, something about the aesthetic? I didnt like dresses right, so it felt a little bit much. Still didn’t feel like a girl, so who the fuck knows. But hey, wasn’t gonna deal with the gender stuff. 

But then I learned about femboys. And yes, I’m saying that word, its not a fucking slur and I’m trans so fuck off. I started by feeling mixed about them, and then I found them hot, the ones that played around with both masculinity and femininity. Yeah, it was partially me discovering I’m bi/pan. But also… i kind of liked their aesthetic in the sense that I envied it. I wanted to be like that. I had pretty good voice control, I could sound more androgynous if I wanted to. So I kind of, in some spaces online, adopted a femboy persona to see how I’d like it. And well, I really did like it. It was a lot of fun, but it felt kinda freeing? and exciting and real and good. Not just in like a sexy way, it wasn’t about being flirty or attractive. I just felt seen. In a way I hadn’t before.

So I wasn’t a girl right, but I wasn’t feeling super like a guy exactly. So I used the term “demiboy” for a time, because I felt a little like a guy but not a ton like one. Then I used the term Non-binary to describe myself shortly after. Self described as a femboy or femboy wannabe sometimes, but later on I’d go to buy the clothing and outfits n then I’d really embrace being a femboy, in private at least. Then… I met some genderfluid people. People who I found I related to a lot. Didn’t feel completely like one of the other, but a little like both sometimes, and let themselves act and feel however they wanted. It resonated with me, and so after a while I changed my label to Genderfluid, which is where it stands today. But that isn’t the end of the story.

It took some time, took a lot of different crowds, and took me experiencing a lot of people who validated me and listened to how I felt. But i learned that I didnt not feel like a girl… but that I rather felt that I wasnt allowed to feel like a girl. I was told I was a boy for my entire life, and my parents said there wern’t any signs, and for most of my life I didn’t know being trans was a thing. And I liked a lot of stuff that boys liked, so there shouldn’t have been any problem. But then people in some circles used fem pronouns for me… and they felt strange at first, but I came to kind of love them. It was so fucking validating to feel, albiet i felt sort of… guilty? shameful? at the same time. I liked feeling seen though, so I put those feelings to the back of my mind. In some places, I identified as a genderfluid person leaning towards fem, just to get that sort of feel from people, see how I liked it. And I really did. So am I transfem? Honestly, I dont really fucking know. 

What I’ve come to figure out is that my gender experience is different especially relating to how I’m feeling currently and who I’m with. When I’m in the throws of depression, I feel burdened with the weight of my past self, and my imposter syndrome insists that I’m lying to myself. But when I’m happier, god, i often feel so feminine sometimes, its really strange to me honestly. Then when I’m with different people, I kind of shift how I feel. Some people bring out a more masculine side regardless of if I’m happy or sad, and same with others who make me feel feminine. Its not just how they treat me, but its how I want to act and who I want to be around them. 

This kind of makes my ideas around dating hard. For bi people, thats no big deal, if they like me they won’t care how I’m feeling or who I am. But with straight or gay people… its kind of harder. I don’t want to be lying to them about who I am, but I also don’t want to have to change for them? And don’t even get me started on lesbian people, no one who has been lesbian that I’ve known has ever expressed interest in me so far, so i dont fucking know. Am I “trans” enough?! do I get to say I’m trans when I dont know enough of what I want to be, when I’m not sure of how much of a man or woman I want to be? I dont know. I think I’m trans as that at a bare minimum I’m nonbinary, because I don’t really fit the mold of a man. The rest of it, im working on. And I have yet to see where its all going to lead me. I just wanna be loved, love others, and have people who care about me and I care about. And hopefully, that will happen regardless of who I am and where I end up with this gender stuff. 

Thanks for reading all of that! If any of this is relatable, I’m happy that something I wrote might tell you a bit more about yourself. I wanna say that even if you do see yourself similar to me, you are allowed to define however you want, hell I’m sure there are cis people who have thought about being a woman from time to time. The experience was only important to me because it helped me discover my gender identity, it doesnt have to mean the same thing for everyone. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, let yourself find it over time! And please, be patient with yourself. This shit takes time, and I’m sure as hell not done with it. Thank you so much for your time, and I wish you the most wonderful of days <3

-Dio/Sylvie