03/29/23

i had a panic attack because of what she said to me. it was just a simple thing, a reminder (although she definitely said its getting annoying) on what i have to do. but yeah i freezed up mid call, didnt know what to say to that because i thought things were going smoothly. then i thought that i haven't tried enough so i got this reaction. it was supposed to be a short good night call, but that happened and i panicked so hard my chest went so tight i had to say good night already. she texted me "running away again". very disappointed. if i stayed on call like that i would just be panicking and crying over a stupid little thing and see me be a pathetic loser. that would've made her feel guilty but that's a horrible thing to do. i absolutely didnt want to tell her that it made me doubt myself so much in an instant, feel like a failure, and that i did something very terribly wrong, and that she really doesn't deserve me. then i thought so many horrible things, that i should just die, that we break up so that i wont be a nuisance to her anymore. it hurt so much i started hitting my head and biting my hand. then i tried to breathe slowly and deeply, remembering what my therapists taught me. didnt work, my chest felt tighter and i thought more horrible things, dreading tomorrow. then i remembered the "accept yourself thing". now i really didn't feel anything acceptable but i started thinking it through. the past week i miraculously started waking up consistently in the morning and eating full meals a day (was once a day before) taking a shower every 2 days (it was just once a week back then), and i've successfully gotten back into therapy. so really, things were improving. but then it could've happened a month ago or two, but i felt way too shitty and scared about asking for help from my parents (i barely managed to tell them in the middle of march). i stopped myself there. i told myself "you have improved your routine these days. i know more could've been done, but what's important is that it got a bit better, even if its just a step." and that ive been living on autopilot and tried my best getting through a day.

thinking this, i still had some intrusive thoughts going on, but ive calmed down now and recognized them as intrusive thoughts. i still feel shitty, that i should have more resolve to do things i need to do to get well, and that i am so scared to do anything and keep reasoning myself because they're mostly embarrassing (especially working out) and I'd rather do it without anyone around. these thoughts, i cant really say even to her because ive already branded myself as a stupid disappointment who is just wasting time. and that because I've already been a disappointment, i dont deserve to do anything i want and that everything I've said to her when i was happy was a mistake. sigh. all this from that little thing she said and she has already apologized and admitted she's just been stressed out because she feels like we're running out of time. honestly that just reinforces the fact that im an incapable person (and again here comes the thoughts that she should just leave me). i dont know, i still feel uneasy. everytime she brings up something i react this way and i fucking hate it because i need space to calm down and get to think and stop freezing and she gets mad when i don't say anything in return (i feel like exploding and puking and i absolutely cant think of anything). i hate being so sensitive and i really am the problem because i should be doing things. at some points i just think my depression is a shitty excuse on why i cant do shit. whenever im bombarded with these stuff (with some stupid song i was listening to hours ago that plays in my head simultaneously) i hit myself and say shut up repeatedly until it works. well just remind myself that i've been in this state since 2018, so it must be real...

STOP I HAVE TO SLEEP NOW