Updates and Explanations

Hey there. You all know me as Dio, but I also go by Sylvie now. Its been a long 2 months since I was last on, and longer still since I last blogged. My life in many ways has changed since then, and in many ways has stayed mostly the same. I don't think that I "owe" you guys an explanation or something, but I do still care about you all. Its been really hard to find the motivation to write or even talk to people for the last 4 months, and honestly it still is. Writing this is hard, but this is what I want to do. So yeah, Hi, make yourself comfortable, I'm putting my life on the silver platter for you to dissect and enjoy like the old days. 

So. Where have I been? What have I been doing? Mostly nothing. A whole lot of nothing. You see, my depression has gotten a whole hell of a lot worse. So, shit kind of had to change. Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, depressive existential talk, hospitalization, medication, sexual shit. This shit gets kinda dark, so I'm warning you to read with discretion, especially if you are also depressed. 

I had been mingling around in different online friend groups for a while now. Went to one, went to another. Had some friends on here for a bit, and then left it (my age was making things weird, im a minor and they weren't). I never seemed to stay, and all of the friendships felt shallow, transactional, dead. Maybe not in the moment, but upon later inspection, yeah, they really were. It was partially me, and partially just because people online don't really have a reason to care about you intimately unless you know them personally. And I've been staying the hell away from people I know in real life. But, then I tried something new. Tried to meet some people who live locally through online means, because I was so fucking lonely. I meet some people, it doesn't really work out. Couple things lead to more, and I end up having a short 2 week relationship where I end up losing my virginity in a really unsatisfying way. And I don't mean that it was bad sex, which it was. It was more the realization that the person I met didn't actually give a shit about me, and it was just really a hookup for them at the end of the day. They didn't want a real relationship and didn't reciprocate feelings. Shit fucking hurt. 

My depression has just been getting worse and worse. 3 months ago it started to interfere with school, making it really hard to get work done in class and find the motivation to do things outside of school. I was missing my extracurriculars, not doing well in class, my grades were dropping, and more importantly, I felt worse than I'd felt in a really long time. I felt so fucking dead. Lifeless. Numb. All things I've talked about on here before, but with it came, for the first time in years, suicidal ideation. What does that mean exactly? Well, it means thinking about death. Dying. Killing yourself, what it would be like, glorifying it a little in your mind, but also fearing it and hating it and hating yourself. So much self-loathing and guilt in one place, it was like my brain was folding in on itself into a mini black hole of hopelessness and apathy. I felt almost nothing, couldn't cry, couldn't do more than basic things. It was physically fucking painful, and somedays still I can feel the throws of death calling me. The best I can do it try to describe it poetically, because literally its just kind of terrifying to want to die so badly to be honest. I never hurt myself, still havnt before, but I was thinking about it. Thats the thing about me and death and self-harm: I have too much self-control. Having ADHD as a kid made me force a ridiculous amount of impulse control from a young age to fit in. I'd have these thoughts, but I knew I'd never do anything. If I hurt myself, I'd only hurt those around me more. What a waste of space. I was taking up resources in a dying world, falling apart myself. I knew that I'd more likely just give up and stop moving and thinking than hurt myself actively. Too many people I know have hurt me doing so. People who are hurting and hurt themselves deserve support and are victims in a way, but the people around them are victims too. Their pain is magnified and multiplied on their loved ones. It's selfish. And I already felt selfish enough existing, I didn't want to do another thing to fuck up.

So, I told my parents. I talked about having suicidal thoughts but not plans, and said a lot of shit I never told them before. I talked openly about my fears, my pains, my worries and my dark wants. And then I asked for a partial hospitalization. I didn't have enough shit going on to be fully hospitalized, but I wanted professional help in a way that my therapist wasn't cutting it. So, after a month of waiting and applying and waiting lists and sitting through the daily pain, I got in. It took me out of school for 3 weeks, which coincided with February break so it was technically only 2 weeks out of school. It was hard, but it felt really good, in a way that things hadn't felt like for a really long time. I felt like I was making progress, learning about just how my issues actually are and what trauma has caused it earlier in my life. I learned about what shit I wanted to fix moving forward, and some coping mechanisms for being overwhelmed. But more importantly, I got to work with a group of peers from different towns who were struggling with similar issues as me, and I got to feel like, for just a bit, not as alone. It was really great. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't always fun. A couple times I broke down crying. Haha, more than a couple. But it helped me, it was really good. 

So, then I came back to school, and shit got worse. For one, doing work was just as hard, and my grades were still failing and I couldn't get myself to get shit done in class. For another... I was alone again. I didn't get to keep in contact with any of the other people in the program due to rules about anonymity, and I don't have any close friends back here, or even really people willing to spend time with me on occasion in person. It fucking hurt. And the mental anguish of school and everything has been taking a toll on me. Some days after school I'd break down crying talking to my mom about things, and it was cathartic to be able to cry but still hurt. And then, shit got worse.

I've talked about my ex before! plenty of times. My first ex, the one who cheated on me? I'm giving her a name now, because I have a lot of exes and I don't want people to get confused. Sophia, my first girlfriend, my best friend, she betrayed me and cut me out of the friend group along with my other friends last year, ghosting me. I got to forget about her after such a long time, save for seeing her around in the halls every once in a while. Hell, in the program, people even gave me advice for how to deal with her, at least in my head. Her influence and my fear dwindled as time went on. But then a couple weeks ago, this fucking psycho tries to worm her way back into my life, and not directly. I get called down to the Guidance office in school, telling me that someone "anonymously" told them that I had been "talking about hurting myself and saying that I had already hurt myself" and making suicide plans openly. First off, this is just false. Its literally false. But this didn't make a lot of sense at first. My twitter was public, but the only people who talk to me about it that I was moderately close to were two people who hadn't said any of this shit about an intervention to me whatsoever and I had told I was already getting help. Secondly, after talking with my mom about what they told her, apparently the reason this person spoke up is because they were "triggered by what I wrote", and the subject that was triggering was made 3 fucking weeks ago before I went to the partial, and they just so happened to want to bring it up now that I was back in school (which btw, its fucking bullshit that someone can go try and call up about something that happened 3 weeks ago. Thats in the fucking past, if they had a problem they should have talked about it then, because ofc they were reading my tweets back then when they had seen it). And finally, one of the guidance people slipped that it was a "her". Motherfucker. It was Sophia. She technically knew about the account, but she hadn't said shit about it or talked to me in forever, and back when I was still talking to her I didn't even use then damn thing for 7 months. This fucker stalked my twitter after 7 months, mind you she didn't even follow me so she manually checked it, and then cites my depressed talking (THAT WASNT EVEN WHAT SHE SAID IT WAS) 3 weeks later to get me accosted by guidance. This is the first time she interacts with me, albiet indirectly, after a year. And she pulls this bullshit. I was so fucking pissed. And really sad too, because I couldn't use the twitter account. So, I make a new one. And a week later, I find out by some means that this prick found that one too. I hadn't connected it to my old one directly, but it had a similar name and an alias I used to go by, so if she was looking of course she could find it. 

But fucking why? Why does this bitch feel the need to harass the guy she cheated on and screwed over after a fucking year? She's sick. I'm so tired of her twisted victim complex lying ass demented mind. She is a terrible human being. And I know that she very well knows this Spacehey, so she could read this if she went out of her way to. If you're reading this Sophia, I'm not gonna fucking cow to you. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. Its clear that you arn't going to leave me alone, but if you so much try and start more shit with me, I will come out about all the shit on you. You think you have fucking dirt on me, but I have nothing to lose. Hell, I probably wont even be here next year. You can't do shit to me. Leave me the fuck alone. You are pathetic. Just go back to cheating on your girlfriend with your abusive boyfriend and leave me in peace, you twisted manipulative snake. 

Anyways. I honestly hope she isn't here, because I'd love to have just a shred of peace and privacy, just a single outlet to get to talk to people. Her bullshit is partially why I've been gone, because I don't want to let her know more about my life and complete her delusion that she understands me or keeps up with me or whatever the fuck that sick fuck thinks. The other half is because I've been way too depressed to keep up on here, as well as since I distanced myself from people on here I kind of wanted a break. But hey, I'm talking here, because I can't use my other outlets anymore. And I still appreciate you guys. I just.... I'm really not better, I've gotten worse again. I'm not gonna be super active, but I might do some updates and talk to some of you. It is good to be writing this again. Take care, please have a good day. You all deserve it. 

-Dio