People are so goddamn disappointing

I want to preface this by saying that I always felt the mindset of "people suck/people scare me/I'd pick a dog over people" is a massive cope for the fact that individualism has caused people to isolate and alienate themselves from all those around them. People have an inherent need for community, that's how we have all evolved at gotten so far, and modern capitalism really discourages any idea of solving problems as groups. Which is so crazy and insane and I wonder how it's not a topic we are constantly talking about. It has effectively isolated us all, and turned us distrustful, and angry, and anxious, and depressed. And the solutions are being sold to us in the form of pills when in reality all we're lacking is each other. I don't believe anyone really hates people, I think we have lost our ability to interact and relate and that sparks a bad feeling in us, and we blame it on everyone else. Also the fact that America- who has normalized single family vehicles acts like it's so weird and disgusting to share a commuting space with strangers is so!!! Bizarre!!

I do consider that there may be some cognitive dissonance when it comes to my logic so if it sounds like I'm being unfair, I am willing to take that criticism.

When I say I want to leave this town and meet new people, even to myself, I come off as someone who thinks they're better than where they grew up or the people they've grown up with, which is a perspective that I'm largely against. But the more time I spend here, the more it becomes so glaringly, painfully obvious that I can't relate.

And I've come to accept that it's not a matter of feeling like one is better than whoever, rather, it's a sense that the people around you just don't have shared interests and perspectives. One does not have to be better than the other.

I've grown up with a set of parents who were somehow simultaneously neglectful and fully on my back. They were psychotic enough in small moments to keep me following. My mom has also, on several occasions, admitted to being manipulative using the term "reverse psychology."

I'm not saying she weaponized her emotions, because I also cry a lot, but she did tend to cry and use the silent treatment on me whenever I veered off the path of "perfect offspring." I don't remember all the things she's done very often, but tonight I do, so I'll list them off.

• Non-consensual tickling: I know it sounds ridiculous but it happened so frequently, and she would lock the doors and I would cry and I would beg her to stop but she just kept touching me. As a child, to be taught an such an early age that you are so helpless, and your boundaries aren't important over and over and over again is so damaging. I remember a particular event when I screamed and told her to stop so she stayed in that room and acted angry while also ignoring me. She then said that she "never should have adopted me from the woman who was trying to throw me away" and I remember screaming and crying and telling her not to say that but she kept repeating it and insisting it was true. I kept apologizing so that she would stop. Somehow it was my fault.
• I remember having the tough conversation with her that I no longer felt I was religious. I may have been around 16 or 17 at the time. She was angry, as parents tend to be. And at that age I remember my mother having such an immense feeling of resentment for me anyways. No matter what I'd wear, she'd criticize it for being too slutty or being too conservative. And yes I was aware that made no sense. She refused to acknowledge my interests and talents and frequently insinuated I didn't ever know what I was doing. At that age she criticized me for developing interests and then losing interest in things, and at this age I've realized there's nothing wrong with that? Why would you get angry at a young person for trying to figure out what they like to do? Also, mind you, growing up I repeatedly asked for lessons like piano, guitar etc and was not allowed. I also asked to join sports and was not allowed. She told me one day, if I were supposed to be good at those things I should be able to figure it out on my own. There's only so much I could teach myself. Things get difficult and then I'm not allowed to get guidance even when I ask for it, how am I expected to continue? And I was never ever bad at anything I enjoyed doing. Why wasn't I allowed to pick up hobbies? It's not like there's a shortage in them? Who was it harming? She often compared me to herself, who knew what she wanted to do from an early age and achieved it. She kept imposing that on me- that I should have known who I wanted to be at that point. That I should, especially, be prettier like she was at my age. And don't get me wrong- I was well aware that her resentment was at the fact that she would never be my age again, and she felt I was wasting the precious time and resources she should have had as such a hard worker. As if that is my fault? Anyways- so I told her I wasn't religious, and in that contempt I was so used to hearing- she scoffed at me and asked what do I know about the world? Which is stupid. Like you can't argue against an opinion- I wasn't trying to dispute her beliefs, I was just sharing mine. And so I tried to explain but she kept cutting me off and mocking the things I was saying. And then I kept trying to explain- but I started sobbing at the same time and she laughed at me for crying. She said I looked funny when I cried. So I said never mind I don't want to talk about it with her, and she kept trying to explain her beliefs to me. I kept telling her I didn't care and I don't wanna hear it and then she started crying and giving me the silent treatment. And guess what? I ended up apologizing again, because what kid wants it in their own consciousness that she made her own kid cry? So I kept begging for her forgiveness after she hurt me.
• Her and my dad ended up fighting alot because they're both fucking idiots. I would list the shit I've gone through with my dad but I really don't give a shit about him anymore. I don't like wasting my energy thinking about him because there was no logic in his anger. It's like when they say "don't argue with a stupid person because they'll never be wrong" I'm done with pondering on why he would think I deserved to be treated the way he treated me because I know there isn't an answer and looking for one isn't worth the time. But anyways, they fought a lot and I stood up to defend my mother numerous times. SO fucking dumb. I can't believe they put me through that. Their fucking marriage was a mess and they are both the reason I don't fucking trust anyone because they're both stupid and insane. They're the type of people who yell at fast food workers. Fucking 'nough said.
• There are so many more stories but these are the two events that I frequently get reminded of whenever I am severely depressed and I try to find out why I am the way that I am. Why I find it so hard to connect with people, and why I just don't have the patience to most of the time.

I can tell whether a friendship is worth my time just with a few interactions, and the logic I've had hasn't failed me so far. I tend to gravitate towards people who treat others nicely. I am very turned off by people who talk shit about others behind their back. I am hyper aware of people who use others or who bombard me or others with weird insincere compliments. I am so aware when people have the tendency to be manipulative or narcissistic because I've been subject to it my whole life. 

I've done well in finding friends who ultimately have good intentions. I think college especially showed me that cool people exist. So let me tell you about a friend who I've had issues with since we were younger.

Let's call her Alice. Alice does not have a lot of privilege in life and I think that's weirdly made her a grifter. She's sort of like my father, who people outside our family would see as quiet and harmless. She's generous. Maybe overly generous. Seemingly with no intent and especially towards people outside the main circle. Don't get me wrong, she's definitely a great friend in certain regards, but I guess, not in the ways that matter most to me. 

I've forgotten about how rocky our friendship was to begin with since I felt like she was consistently disrespectful but like in such minute ways- ways that festered over time. I've realized she's the type of person who constantly treads people's boundaries to see what she could get away with. She tries to make up for it with over-generosity. 

We actually could probably be classified as not really friends by the time Junior and Senior year came along. At that time, I did feel a general sense of abandonment, but that's also probably partly me just feeling sorry for myself. I remember coming home from vacation and no one reaching out. My friends eventually stopped inviting me to things because they said "I was always busy at church anyways" which was interesting. I imagine this is how people get sucked into cults- because people around you stop putting in an effort to remain your friend. 

I developed a very close friendship with the girl I went to church with, on the bright side. We had very similar thoughts and ideas regarding church, and we both felt like we were forced to be there. In a weird way though, we also both really got sucked into the community. I am so grateful for her, though, because she was the only one who attempted to actually hang out with me outside of church. We fell off as well but that whole era was crazy and we were thousands of miles apart so I feel like it's fair. I can admit that I was not a great friend during our years apart. I still consider her and our mutual best friend, that mutual best friend's sister to be my closest friends in an emotional sense though. It's so funny because when I think about myspace top 8s- I'm so glad it doesn't exist anymore.

Back to Alice-I'm also not a big fan of transactional acts of service, which most people are apparently fine with. It sounds so pretentious and cheesy but I'd much rather have a friend who I can sit and have meaningful conversations with. A friend who communicates well and makes attempts at going through with their promises- than a friend who can offer to help me move. And I know it's normal to compartmentalize the friends that you get along with deeply and the friends who will help you with a plumbing issue, but at the end of the day, I could also hire a plumber. It's hard for me to find meaning in anything else but chemistry and mutual respect.

She is a good friend but not the friend I need, and the way she holds our friendship hurts me and it is not her fault. I feel like that's adequate reason to conclude we aren't very close friends. Just friends. And I guess I have to admit I generally don't have close friends around me at the moment which is tough. I've decided to distance myself from my family and now I also don't have friends, which leaves me just as lonely as everyone else.

I can't even fathom the idea of considering a relationship due to the immense layers of distrust I have towards most people, but mostly because of the distrust that they'd ever treat me the way I would treat them. I like to live by the golden rule, and I can count the people who I trust to live the same way with one hand.

And yes I do realize that I have to sort of stop being a pussy as well. The fact that I have such an aversion to being hurt emotionally is definitely not realistic given the state of human kind does not and has not ever worked that way. And I know it's naive to walk around with the mindset of at least making an attempt to be nice to everyone around me, especially since the lack of mutuality hurts me so much, but I am not prepared to hurt others. I'm not saying this to paint myself as such a good person, I just mean, I have always bared the burden of the feelings of others taking precedent over my own that a bullet I shoot towards anyone else will only inevitably ricochet right back to me. It's not selfless at all, I'm not being a martyr, I'm protecting my own feelings by being kind to others. It's purely in my own self interest.

So I'll go out. And maybe I'll never be satisfied with the people I meet down the line, but I can't just not try.