Post 4 (19.03.2023)

Why is my mood like a light switch? Sure, I feel nothing most of the time because my light switch doesn't work like it's supposed to. My light switch, switches at the wrong times and I could get so mad over the stupidest reasons and beat myself up if I get something wrong the first time. One minuet I could be feeling empty, then when I see people who are my age having fun and laughing, I wish it was me and I get jealous. I hate the way I am and always probably will. I can't stop destroying everything good that comes my way. Sure, I have two friends and to be honest I think I'm starting to hate them both. I don't know why. One of them is coping me and how I act and the way I talk and the way I smile when I talk. She never use to do any of that. One of them I don't talk to as much because she can NEVER be bothered texting me back, I suppose that's what I get for being such a freakshow, right? I ruin everything good that heads my way. Literally shouldn't be the way I am because people around me are having fun and reaching out for help whilst I'm over here and I have had so many professional people try and help me. I can't be "fixed", I'm too far gone. I have no reason to have professional help because my problems are too insignificant and unimportant. Mabey I will get better but who knows, you know? I want to be normal and to be able to make friends and have REAL and HONEST friendships. I am so sick and tired of trying to have friends but their all the same. I either a. ruin it, b. they start to ignore me for no reason, c. they replace me (most always do), d. they ruin it, e. they are just using me as a temporary friend to make them feel better about themselves AND START TO OBSESS OVER THEIR FRIENDS AND CROSS MY BOUNDARIES AND WONDER WHY I START TO GET ANNOYED / ANGRY WITH THEM AND THEN THEY START TO GET ANNOYED WITH ME BECAUSE THEY START TO SWITCH MY DAMN LIGHT SWITCH AND THEY THEN GET IN A BAD MOOD JUST BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T RESPECTING MY BOUNDARIES. or they do all of them or I ruin it before I give them a chance. I promise you one thing, I am better of alone at this point even though I am so damn lonely. I just want to fit in and be normal but I can never fit it or be normal. I will always be the outcast and the loser.