Materialism.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, I grew up very lower middle class and my relationship with money and consumerism is really deeply affected by it. Tonight I’ve been thinking about my relationship with items and spending money. 

Last weekend I was visiting home from school to see some renovations my parents did to the kitchen and while I was at home I attempted to repair my record player. This led to me possibly breaking the tone arm and needing to send it home with my boyfriend for his friend’s brother to fix for me. In addition to this, I found my passport that I lost in August after I got my drivers license, I had called the government to report it missing and had to fully de-activate it out of fear of having my identity stolen. The record player would cost about $200 to replace as well as my dishonourably killed passport and the thought of needing to eventually spend $400 over some extremely stupid and avoidable mistakes that I made sent me into a pretty severe breakdown. Crying on the phone with my boyfriend, obsessing over every single thing that surrounded me and how much of a waste of money it was, not being able to get out of bed for the rest of the night. I thought I was doing pretty good in regards to my money problems but that night felt like a massive step backwards and I’m still coming off it almost a full week later. 

That moment I spent looking around my bedroom and analyzing everything that I owned put a lot of things into perspective I think, and I mean “a lot of things” very literally. I’m not even living at home and my bedroom is full to the brim with random clutter and useless items. I think not having money growing up creates a very maximalist attitude, I’ve seen other people talk about it before, because when you do finally get money you feel like you need to buy everything that you couldn’t before. So my space is just completely consumed by random impulse purchases and things that I thought I wanted so bad until I got them and never used them. Countless makeup products, small trinkets, instruments, clothes. I’ve always been so overwhelmed by everything I own but I just can’t bring myself to get rid of it because then it’s even more of a waste of money, but i know that I’m never going to use or properly appreciate half of the items. 

I’ve felt so desperate lately for some kind of reset. I want to start over and simplify my life and environment in as many aspects as possible because I feel like my overconsumption has seeped absolutely everywhere. I have too many clothes, I have too much makeup, I have too many random items taking up space on my shelves. 

When I go to school again next year I hope I can get that hard reset that I need. Minimalist lifestyles just seem so much easier on a person. I’d like to be in a space where I don’t have so many items that it gets disorganized within days. I’d like to go into my closet and immediately find an outfit to wear because I only have so many options. I’d like to simplify my skincare routine so I’m motivated to stick with it. 

I think a solid action plan for now is to just use up as much as I can and maybe try getting rid of things I don’t use. At the very least getting it all out of the way. Because if I can use up as many things as possible I think that would ease my anxiety around wasting money and goods. Although this might be something that’s hard to go about I think it’s a good goal to have. Ideally have as few things left in my possession as possible by time I move out for real. 

I also think that using things up is something that people like me struggle with. Because when you spend money on something you want it to exist in your life for forever, that’s why I can’t just get rid of things that I own. So, for example, if I completely used up a bottle of perfume, then it will have been more of a waste of money than if I just saved that bottle and spread its use out across 10 years or something. This is just how I think by default, but when I really push myself to think about it from a different perspective, doing that feels like a disservice to the product and to myself for buying it. You never eat a whole meal and then think about how you ate it so fast that you didn’t get your moneys worth. That can be applied to these things too. That perfume was made to be worn and loved. 

Hopefully someday I’ll feel like I can breathe without these constant worries.