Good Enough?

Good Enough?

Why am I who I am? Why Cant I do anything right? 

I gave everything I had to you and I still wasnt enough. Im not enough for my family, ive always been a mistake, a mistake that they focus every little issue on no matter how long ago it was. To gauge my eyes out, to bleed out oh what i'd do just to escape this pain. To be worthy of someone. For someone to love me how I love them. A addiction, they call the pain give myself a addiction, but when blood leaks its not a addiction. Its me putting the pain that was in my head to physical sensors. Watching all go away, as my mind slowly weakens because the more I bleed the less my body feels and oh to not feel the heartbreak I feel for being the biggest fucking screw up. I just want to be good enough. Everyday. Everyday I scream just to feel ok. Just to let everything thats been drowning, out. Im 15 saturday... my day is to surely come. Just like said it would because I tend to get to the point where the only okay I have is in the blade that breaks my skin.

Ive never been good enough for anyone. And anyone who I potentially might have been Ive run away from because Im so scared. I dont want to get hurt. Im always hurt. I just wanna give up. Give it all up. Do you know what its like to be rejected by your whole family since birth. Not just of becoming a teenager but for being a burden since birth? Being beaten every fucking day since birth? I just want to be ok but I also run away from people who care because part of me doesnt feel like I deserve it. Part of me feels like everyone who hurt me is right. I deserved to be beaten, I deserved to be malnourished. I deserved to be thrown out, I deserved to be told to kill myself, I deserved to be told I was the route of all of their problems. 

 Everyday I feel like im drowning and its only with certain people I feel I come back up for air with. I appreciate them so much, I love them so much. But I also try protect them... from me. They are the only people who make me happy, and I mean the happy where I feel like a kid again. I feel comfortable, I feel like im not an act. A act I must protray for people to care about me. Those people should know who they are because those people I've disconnected with but felt happier then ever everyday we reconnected.

Life.