[TW: Parent Death] My Mother is in a Small Box Next to Me

I don't even know where to begin. My mother passed away in an accidental house fire on the morning of February 18th, 2023. According to the coroner, there was no evidence to suggest foul play or that she suffered in death. If the fire never happened, she would have turned 49 just two days later on February 20th.

Needless to say, I am absolutely devastated... And that hardly even describes the grief and pain I feel.

I've lost friends in the past, accidents, overdoses, suicides... All have felt horrific. The grief was like a shotgun blow to the chest and like my heart was a dropped piece of pottery. The pain, the regrets, the depths of sorrow I achieved when my friends died was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. That being said, I'd trade what I'm feeling now for my previous understanding of grief.

Losing my mother is manic numbness. My entire body is a hole. My internal organs are being pulled down by the heaviest of weights. I feel both lighter than air and heavier than dark matter. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I've never, in a thousand anxiety-induced imagined scenarios, ever thought it would hurt this bad.

My mom was supposed to get old. She was supposed to be there on my wedding day. She was supposed to help me pick out a house. She was supposed to be here. She was supposed to pick up the phone on February 20th at exactly midnight to me screaming, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MA!"

The shotgun blast grief was fast acting, explosive and full of emotion. I could FEEL how sad I was... This is a slightly dulled, rusty butcher knife slowly dragging over my skin and occasionally chopping down deep, painful gouges of unfathomable despair.

My mom is gone. I have no idea what to do anymore. It feels like nothing comes next... Unfortunately, I know that life drags you forward no matter how much you want and need it to stop.

I miss my mommy. I'm 27 years old and I want to scream so loud my mom comes running into my bedroom from beyond the grave to hold me like a little kid again.

Now my mom is in a little white box, next to me in my bed right now as I'm typing this. Her whole existence, reduced to ashes and neatly packed in this little box. Her humor, her laugh, her smile, her honesty, loyalty, her memories, her likes, dislikes... No longer bursting at the seams of her person but silent and tucked away.

If you have a generally good relationship with your mom, always take pictures of and with her. Tell her that you love her as often as you can. If you don't live with her, call her often. Don't waste a single minute... Because she could be taken from you in the most unexpected way... And you'll never, ever see it coming.