i finallyyy made enough money to go back to hot topic!!!!

ugh i finally have enough money to go back to hot topic <33 i am so fucking excited. but i think they took down the twilight display. devastating. honestly devastating. istg if they replaced it with ANOTHER demon slayer or mha or fucking wednesday addams i am going to throw up scream and kill someone not necessarily in that order. ik that's such a stereotypical thing to do but i can't take hot topic being so fucking LAME anymore. i need another store that actually sells good shit that isn't like a thousand dollars. i've looked at soooo many but ig i'll look at some more.

i always shop at thrift stores for stuff but i live in like a yeehaw county even tho i live in the city so the thrifting is horrible. i mean some of the vintage stuff is the shit but not really any scene/emo/etc stuff i like.

also idc what ppl think anymore billy hargrove is the hottest man alive and i need to look like him. i have curly blond hair that i am in love with and rn it's an almost mullet. it's a little shorter on the sides, but i promised my mom i would wait until after college interviews to get a full on mullet (because i love and respect my mom duh). anyway billy also has like the barely there mustache yknow which i also have the beginnings of and omfgggggg. he is so muscular. he is so everything. he drives the sickest fucking car and speeds without giving a fuck. he has the most amazing ass ever and his style is so good. 

and IK this sounds sexual but istg i'm ace and it's not. i would kill to have billy's ass. that man is sending me on a fitness mission istg.

aside from that a lot of ppl hate his personality and how much of a dick he was. idrc about all that he's just hot. even tho his character is interesting.

also they don't have enough billy merch because of eddie munson and whatever the lame ass main guy's name is. i always forget it smh. lemme look it up. oh yeah mike. mike is such a little bitch omfg.

anywayyy that's enough for rn. also i'm on my period (i can get as personal as i want this is MY vaguely anonymous online profile). and it sucks BALLS as usual. every single fucking time. i think about t i think about a hysterectomy and i get nervous. then my period comes back and i remember part of why i want to get this done. it's not about the pain or whatever that's nothing. i care about the feeling. it makes me actually want to cry.

yknow what makes me super dysphoric that might seem kinda weird to some ppl. syncing periods. i HATE it. imagine absolute hatred and disgust and maybe that covers it. it makes me want to scream about how unfair it is. i want to give a transfemme my period. and my boobs. and my hips. and literally almost anything feminine they want. they just have to give me their man body idec.

also i decided i never want bottom surgery. idk it's just not a priority. the surgeries are expensive and long. i'm not even sexually attracted to anyone so it doesn't affect my sex life. and it doesn't make me dysphoric (especially because it means i can wear whatever pants/skirts/dresses i want without worrying my dick is bulging LMFAO). plus i can always pack if i want a dick. and rhinoplasty usually takes a chunk of skin out of your arm. which freaks me out ppl stare at my arms enough already no ty.

i was just thinking about this earlier. how would anyone ever love my body. again, not in a sexual way. it's just that my hips are too curvy and my chest isn't flat and i'm not exactly skinny and i have scars on my arm. literally everyone sees them and they're never going away, at least i don't think. it makes me uncomfortable knowing how permanent they are and how they will always change how someone sees me. in camps i might have to keep them covered, around kids i cover them, during college interviews they need to be covered, when i feel someone staring too much i have to casually put my arm behind my back, and i feel like everyone is staring when i cross the classroom or any room. it hurts. because i don't mind. i like my scars tbh. but no one else does.it hurts so badly.

anyway kinda a sad and weird note to end on but my mangina is giving me THE WORST cramps so i'm going to go watch south park and scary shit until i fall asleep lol.