feeling normal

i went to trixie and katya's live show a couple days ago, they came to my state; kind of unbelievable given where i live and the new anti lgbtq laws being passed days before they showed up. i saw so many walks of life, so many gender identities, sexualities, and ways of expression; people that were so openly proud to be themselves in a state where the idea of being gay is fine but best to keep it behind closed doors. while im stuck trying to claw my way out of a judgemental family.

i felt so at home and completely able to be myself without being judged, it was a wonderful feeling. but the shows over, and i return home to a family that would rather me be conventional, to play a role i dont understand, a role that i can't understand. im stuck in a loop, replaying the night in my head to feel that same normality, without much luck. wearing the merch to feel connected to those memories and feeling of being accepted, and i dont know what to do. it almost feels like burnout, i don't feel like doing anything but i'm bored at the same time. i keep clawing for that acceptance i felt at the show. what i would give to feel normal again.