THE DRAMA I'M GOING TO EXPLODE

so like my one friend has had a really shitty time with this other person right. like according to my friend the other person was abus*ve. idk if that's true or not. but then my friend had a panic attack because of their ptsd related to the other person and so the other person got removed off of stage crew. fine idc.

but THEN my one friend was talking to one of his close friends today and his close friend who is friends with the other person said how it was unfair that they kicked the other person off stage crew. so then i was super uncomfortable and i said "other person got removed from stage crew because they gave someone ptsd". and then OFC they wanted details but i just said it wasn't my business. they can fucking ask other person if they want to know that badly.

also i'm having a hard time existing by myself again and actually feeling connections to ppl and staying present and not losing my shittttt. the bpd is bpding rn guys. and in addition to that with stage crew i'm around ppl all the time and i feel like i'm going to explode.

and i have other school stress. and i have sm stress from being trans it's not even funny. i am shaking coming out to ppl i can't even breathe and i feel like i'm going to cry. AND IT'S NOT EVEN RANDOM PPL. IT'S OTHER TRANS PPL. LIKE HELLO???? THEY ARE (hopefully) NOT GOING TO HATECRIME ME??? plus i've been thinking about t and surgeries and stuff and idk if i want it. i want to be seen as masculine and to have ppl use he/him pronouns for me. but transitioning makes me nervous. i like the way my body is. would i change some stuff? yes ofc. but i can change that without t and sort of without surgeries. and usually i can tolerate the uncomfortableness and the misgendering and shit. but idk how long i'll last. all i want is to be how i am now but seen as a boy. is it that much to ask for /hj

i am a ball of tired and anxious. i am deteriorating like that one yellow guy with gloves gif (you know the one i'm sure).