the illusion of control

i believe, rather i know, that much of my unhappiness stems from believing in the illusion of control. 

growing up in a rather uncontrollable household has led me to grasp tightly onto every aspect of my life because i want to have power for once, i want to be able to change things so they suit me and so i can be happy. but happy is never a feeling i have gained from exerting this false sense of control. 

i am naturally a person who wants to please. i do things to make people like me because i have low self-esteem and yearn for validation. in fact, i do too much. too much to devalue myself in the attempt of impressing others. and then, when someone's reaction is not how i intended, i get sad and pathetic and angry at everything. i get scared and anxious. every single time i try to control some situation or someone, i fall deeper and deeper into a pit of self hatred.

why does this still happen when i am aware of the situation? i know i shouldn't exist to make people happy and i know that oftentimes, the outcome will have nothing to do with me. but i just want so desperately to be needed and appreciated and loved and cherished and it seems like every rejection i get and any tiny negative reaction, those things rear their heads at me and yell in my face, "we don't care about you."

the thing is, at the same time as all this i also understand how amazing i am. i see my self-worth and my good traits and i appreciate the unique things i bring to the table. i am a beautiful person worthy of all i desire. but it's so easy to get in my head and overthink minor interactions. 

i don't know where i was going with this, i just wanted to vent a little. i need to learn how to slacken my wrists and know my place in the universe.