untitled 4 11/24/2022

location: couch at allister

everyday without fail it seems. still thinking about that night. looking at your face and feeling fond and isit here and i regret not doing more and i regret doing anything at all. i cant fucking wait to be over this so i can think clearly. i hate longing. i hate regretting. especially if i know its not real. its never real. i hate feeling nothing and then feeling too much in an instant. you were nothing, a distraction, something fun to do when i was bored. now i miss you as if we were married for years. it was the timing i suppose, i didnt expect it. i called you stupid and you said you were and i didnt believe you. in a sense, you did warn me. i cant stand thinking that im a mistake in your past now. im a memory. you got to come out of this unscathed, why? you never once pursued me, you never one did anything that you shouldnt have, and then in a second, the world turns upside down. i hate being a cliche and saying you made me distrust even more, but you did. how do you sleep knowing you got out of this unscathed. maybe i should write a fucking book with how im constantly writing this shit now. fucking fuck. everything just fucked out of nowhere. im getting annoying with how much i mention this but i cant help it. i regret and i regret and i regret. watching shit makes me feel upset. never cared because i never knew that i had something to lose. i never expected i would lose. i hate that i wanna forgive, i always wanna forgive. id rather have forgiven and been miserable than be obsessive and miserable. i wonder if i am actually borderline. i try to explain how bad the obsessions are but no one seems to get it. my brain swirls and swirls and swirls, all around a central point and lucky you, youre the subject of all my desires when i didnt even want you. i wanted money and i wanted warmth and i wanted an ear and you provided all three. you were nothing. you were supposed to always be nothing. but you listened to me talk about my mental illness and saw an opprotunity to ruin my psyche. and i cant even say that because i dont even believe it. if she didnt want you back because of me, we would still be fine. id probably be texting you rn. rolling my eyes at your response time. smiling anyways. you dont deserve this. youre so cool. you were a good friend. so how did you be okay with it? i never considered the possibility that you might dislike me now rather than pity me and it makes me feel sick. i hate conflict. no matter what, i always lose. i push and i want and and i push and no one gets it. i dont care what you did. i just dont wanna want to hurt myself. and its not your fault that im fucking psychotic but its your fault for creathing this fucking situation. once again, i am alone. would i have felt better if i hurt you instead. so many different ways this couldve ended up. and i never knew it would be this. im a fucking poet now. is this even healthy. i just want something for myself to reflect on i think. or maybe im hoping one day im gonna be able that this all got resolved. nothing went wrong at all. a simple miscommunition. i guess its better to hope instead of trying to move on. i hate when people say that. how do you try to move on. i cant do that. i just can focus on someone else. and m isnt here. i wonder why its different with her. i wish she came yesterday. seeing her makes me happy, even if im worried every second that she'll realize she hates me. i wonder. everytime i speak to her, i cant help its the last time. and so i stay. i stay and i talk and i stare and i just. try to enjoy the time. and when i see her laugh, i know i would stay for an eternity. because its her. itll always be her. i hope thats how he feels about her. i think thatll- let me not lie. i hope thats how he feels about her. but im not sure if thatll make me feel better. shes just. everything. how could you understand. i know shes here to stay in my brain. but right now. i cant help thinking about you too. too much. often. frequent. i see a pretty sunrise and i imagine you and i hate myself. because no matter what, youre still nothing. youre a device to make me feel like i exist. and without you, i can just fade away. and i know its wrong to put this much on you but i cant help it. and i can hate you all i want. resent you all i want. be bitter towards you all i want. and itll never change a thing. everyone wants something in life and i want everything. but i know you texting me would beat the world right now. i wanna believe in foolish miracles. i wanna belive that if i text you, maybe the world will be better, my brain will be quieter, and my chest wont hurt as much. but i hate that you said it yourself. this isnt going to get any better. fuck you. why do you get to determine that. you only say that if you dont careabout the outcome. and you dont need to care. youll have her, fuck me right. i wouldnt care either if i had her. but ill never have her and youll have her and ill never have anyone i want. i try to see the lesson in this and i just cant. because i continued to make the conscious action to trust you, no matter if i felt sick.  i trust you and let you trust me and look where i ended up. i wonder if anything couldve been done different. i cant help but wonder every second of every minute of every hour of every single fucking day. but whatever. if i pretend i dont care, itll come soon eventually, it always does.