untitled 3 11/22/2022

location: couch at allister

currently stalking your twitter likes. you liked something i wanted to send you. pain ensues. im not sure if writing out my every thought is making this any better but it helps i suppose. living with someone has me unable to keep my thoughts soley in my brain. i think back to earlier an i shudder. i mourn all the things i wanted to say that never got uttered. jokes i smiled at but kept to myself. days without talking. im surprised i still know how to. being in this house makes me remember i suppose. i understand how i managed to lose myself here. how i could go seasons without going outside. it was a personal hell that i accepted. i try to make my differences though. i dont think anyone will understand looking out the window and longing to be outside. i wasnt rapunzel, trapped in some place high above that she couldnt escape. all i had was my own mental blocks, perfectly curated by others in my life. nothing was stopping me but there was so much. there was a hxh references i would make there but i dont want to think about that show anymore. im not sure why i write these. i wonder if ill ever be able to tell you about them. it makes me so sad knowing that i would let you back in my life in an instant. i wanna text. oh that was scary. got a text, hoped it was you. seeing you listening to music now is making me sick. i wonder if you notice what i listen to.  i hate that i still want to text you. i wish you would text me. i wish you had chosen me. i wonder if you think of me. i sit here and wonder if youre thinking of me like i think of you. i hate being like this, neverending thoughts that swirl and circle and swirl and circle and consume my being. i wonder if i even like you as i think i do, or if i just want this never ending loop of despair to end. i hate myself for knowing that it could end in an instant. a second of your attention and i would be fine. happy. as if pain never existed. maybe thats what im chasing. peace in my brain and my chest and stop changing the song youre listening to i ccant stand this.