untitled 11/20/2022

location: couch at allister

currently sitting at home thinking about how i lost so much time over a person who was so quick to move on. i never expected this i always thought id fucking hurt you. its so fucking sad to think that night after the movie id only wanted to see you. i was gonna choose you. that same fucking night. that stupid fucking fmab poster on your wall. you didnt deserve it and i thought i was the one who didnt deserve you. my horror movie phobia, my boredom, my inability to be alone, all these fucking things culminated made me turn to you and look what the fuck it did to me. we were fine how we were, i shouldve never tried to change what we were. and the worst part is that it was never my fucking intention. i was just tired and tired of holding my neck up. one simple thing, and i think about that night and i cant breathe. because genuinely i never expected. and it scares me because in such a short time, i came to rely on you. all those stupid fuckin frat parties we went to that weekend, i was only excited cause i knew i would be coming back to you. now i dont know how to be happy like i was before you. and i wonder if i was even happy before you. i was sad always but somehow you became a crutch. you became a reason in how i didnt pay attention to the real world. i let you in my bed and then kicked you out and saw you in the afternoon, you were everything for a second there. and i never fucking suspected a thing. and before any of this even happened, my dad knew about you. i just wanted to mention you and he knew about you and he said it was okay if i liked you and i was adamant in my refusal because i never saw you like that. but you and your smell and your stupid fucking hoodies and your ability to always be comforting, it makes me sick. how do you sleep at night knowing that you betrayed someone that you think genuinely didnt deserve it. i hate not understanding but thats what im doing all the time. i dont understand anything and im begging to just have some sort of clarity, any type of explanation. i dont think i could do what you did to me. what did she have that had you running back to her in an instant? i look back at my texts and wish i could go back in time and change what happened but i know if i was able to, id probably just let myself go through it again. all these tainted memories that were so everything to me at the time, gone in an instant. i wonder what my face looked like when i walked in. i wonder what you felt. i assume you felt bad but not bad enough. i assume you feel guilty but she makes it better. easier to handle the fact that you threw away someone who sadly cared if you have her right? i defended you when i shouldnt have, and i still would do anything to back before this. i dont even care what you did and how you felt, i probably would do anything to go back. and i would do anything to prevent this never happened in the first place. all i wanted was to be worth enough to attract the attention of others and with someone i didnt even want, it blew up in my face.