reincarnate

i come back here every few months. my state pf mind changes but my state of being doesn't. i think ive finally dropped out of college. i want to die. i want to kill myself & see what happens after. i want to see who comes to my funeral. who comes to mourn. i want people to see what i had become. i am playing such a long game of pretend. i pretend i want to be here. i truly have given up. you just can't see it. 

i have dreams of going to new york. to seattle. to portland. i have dreams of becoming somebody. i have dreams that i make it out. but let's be realistic. that's not gonna happen. 

i want to slit my wrists. i want to drive to the beach alone, smoke one last bowl, & i want to slit my wrists. my family is used to be not being around. my friends resent me because i've abandoned them. i only am ever with one person & i know it. i know he only wants me to pass the time. im not fucking stupid. or maybe i am. i cannot find a legitimate reason to keep living. why? my family will miss me? my friends? chris? none of them will. they will all get over it.

i am such a failure of a human being. i have had so so so many chances to become a good person. none of them know what i have done. or who i am. i hate myself so much. i wish i could be the person that i constantly say i am. but i'm not. 

i wonder who will cry. i want them to. i want everyone to come & see that it wasn't my fault. i want them to see that i just couldnt handle it. isnt that so ironic? instead of a debut i plan my funeral. instead of a guest list for my coming of age party i make a guest list for the end of my life. i do not want to cause any more pain or sadness. i'll just disappear.