parasite in the brain

well it's been a while but i need to rant and i'm pretty sure no one will see this so it feels like the best place 

i wanna die i wanna croak so badly i can't take it i wasn't meant for this i wasn't meant to be here 

nothing about my identity feels stable right now 

i wanna be a banana. 

but i'm not a banana and that's fine lots of people are bananas that were not bananas before 

but i want to be a banana and not have people baby me through realizing i want to be a banana 

i want to be a banana without people acknowledging that i'm no longer a strawberry 

i don't care that i wasn't originally a banana but the people in my life will care and acknowledge it and them even knowing i have thoughts or feeling or am a real fruit is so unbearably stressful

i want to be a banana but still be me 

i want to be a banana and still be loved 

i don't know how to not be pretty and sit in a fancy basket or on the edge of a nice cocktail it's my strawberry training

when your a strawberry you are nothing if not the prettiest most plump berry in the bunch

so how do i go from being a pretty strawberry to a ugly banana 

i'll have no worth no value no framework for my self esteem which was already very thinly veiled 

i feel i'll loose everything i've worked towards every chance i'll have to be seen 

but i hate how things are now 

i can't take being a strawberry much longer 

i just want things to end 

i don't feel i can talk to any of my friends 

not being caused by a lack of support 

but i don't feel i can talk to anyone ever 

i wasn't built for it i've never been allowed to talk about feelings of emotions with my family so just the thought of opening up and being vulnerable makes me want to shake and vomit everywhere 

my body physically cringes 

i couldn't even talk to a therapist 

i lied to her about so much

i just didn't trust her and i don't think i've really trusted anyone ever 

not to handle my brain 

i hate being a burden i think even the idea of making my problems someone else's makes me want to die 

i have no self worth even when i do its often destructive

idk i don't wanna be alive 

it's too much 

usually i can see a light a reason to keep the future bright but i can't see a way to win

to be who i want to be and also be happy 

i'm stuck

forever 

toodles4now