Feelz Dump

It's been forever since I have made the choice to talk about how I'm actually feeling. I feel like there's always something stopping me from being completely genuine. I'm going through that phase again where I'm missing everyone who I've let go of in order to be a healthier person mentally but damn it sucks. I know you're not really supposed to go back and read old messages but when I feel like this it's the only thing that keeps me from reaching out again and starting a bad cycle. Things will never be the same and I should be happy with the time I have spent with them before. I don't even know what I want.. (actually jk I just want this heavy feeling off my chest). I need to focus on the people I have in my life now but deep down I feel like I compare them to the two people who I've loved the most and I don't know how to stop. It's one thing for a an ex to ruin future relationships but having your best friend also fuck you over hurts on another level. It makes me feel like any person I interact with now will never be there for me or be around in years to come. Sometimes it seems like every friendship now is just temporary and I should distance myself so when they leave it won't hurt as bad. I get so in my head that I end up being the worst person to talk to and getting attached to people fast isn't helping. 

As for good news though.. I can't really think of much. I'm still alive so there's that I guess.