*bleh* (i want to be seen as a boy sm i feel sick)

sobbing rn :( (not really lol)

i am so tired that i will never be seen as a boy. like why. i want ppl to look at me and think "yep that's a dude". it's never going to happen. even if i change the way i look and how i sound (which i don't necessarily want to do) i have the personality of a freaking sorority girl (no hate to sorority girls btw i just mean all bubbly and shit).

i like the way i dress. i like skinny jeans and eyeliner. i like bright bracelets and hair. i don't want to be "basic" because it might help me pass better. plus my voice is so high it wouldn't really help. i've been looking into voice training but it's a lot of work and even though i'm willing to work on it my mental illnesses make it hard.

i'm just so so sad. i want a binder. i want to be called handsome. i don't care about labels or whatever i just want to be seen as a dude. ik this is a cliche thing but i feel like all my trans masc, and even trans nb or trans fem friends are so much better at passing then me. whenever i look at my trans masc friends, they always look like guys. and their voices are so perfect. also a lot of them have long hair and still look like men??? like hello???

i have only been called a cis male by one person but they're really nice so idk if they were telling the truth or just trying to make me feel better lol.

i'm not trying to be bitter or anything i really am glad that my friends are out and can be themselves and that they look so awesome! plus ik they probably struggle with thinking they don't look masc enough a lot. it's like how a lot of ppl think they look ugly but then a lot of ppl think they look pretty. y'know?

song time: tranz by gorillaz wow so crazy no one ever saw that coming XD

idk maybe i'll message my one friend. but i don't really have any friends i'm comfortable talking to about this with that are trans masc or even trans at all :/ it's worth a try tho ha. cause i cannot do this anymore man.