the roles that cancer assigned my family

i don't know if you've noticed or even experienced this, but when a family goes through something tough together, they tend to take on certain roles within the family structure, heavily influenced by their own personal life experiences and the ways they were parented. here's what i've learned after five years of this.

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my mother was assigned the role of messenger. people would mostly come to her for information about what was happening with my sister, how she was being affected and how they could pray for her in her time of need. sometimes it would get to be too much. she'd sit on her phone for hours, sending out copy-pasted texts to everyone on her contacts. i don't think she took much joy in this. i think it overwhelms her. it's great that we have such a good support system, i know. i shouldn't be complaining about this. but i can't imagine how it feels to be constantly bombarded with questions, complaints, even well-wishes are probably difficult to read after five years.

my father became the rock. his job was to bring about the income and "stay strong for the family". i think that took a huge toll on him. i wish he had the same views as i do in regard to gender roles within a family. the traditional view that men must stay strong, have no emotions, always be the "problem-fixer" within the household, it's a toxic one. emotions are not feminine, they're simply human. due to his knowledge in the medical field, my father would often give his input and knowledge to those around him, especially to ease my sister's mind with any medical procedures she'd soon have to encounter. i'm sure he was asked many medical questions by many people, the same people that would speak to my mother. being bombarded by questions about a topic you're trying so hard to not break down over, i hate to imagine it.

my sister's husband (my brother-in-law) was the first responder. not in the "healthcare" sort of way, but in a therapeutic sense for my sister. being the love of my sister's life, my brother-in-law would be the first one for her to confide in. he probably encountered many a sleepless night making sure she was okay, comfortable and safe, and maybe many more nights were spent in an uncomfortable chair next to a hospital bed that smelled like high-grade sanitization products and chemotherapy (trust me, it has a smell). all of her worries and fears, he would be there for him, and i can't thank him enough for it. 

i thought of myself as the caretaker. while i never found myself taking care of my brother-in-law's needs, i often made sure my parents were okay. there was a lot of comforting words, even if i didn't believe what i was saying at the time. there was even more task-reducing that i had done. what i mean by that is, while my parents were off taking care of my sister, i would often do house chores outside of my own. when i moved out, that shifted to housing the dog whenever they came to visit the hospital. i felt like i had to set aside my feelings and personal struggles to make sure that they didn't have anything else to worry about. regardless of whether or not that was true was beyond me, still is. there are important things about myself that i've yet to tell my family; i don't want to take away from what is obviously more important.

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i could easily write more down; talk about how my friends reacted, psychoanalyze my extended family's reactions. i could talk about how the demon itself, cancer, ravaged my sister's body, physically and emotionally. but i'm all out of emotions now. i need some time to recharge and regroup.