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3:01am 2/12/23
I really am fucking trying. Sometimes even with everyone around I just feel alone. I just want to cry. I am doing my best but my best isnt good enough. It will never been good enough. I will never be good enough. For my family, my friends, myself. I've been clean for maybe a month and a half now. Completely Sober, No SH but believe me... im still falling apart. If you think I havent wanted to break that streak, youd be wrong. Everything ive been clean of have been major major addictions. I can't escape them, well I'm still clean so maybe I can but as you would expect its really fucking hard.
As any teenage girl I sit there and Compare myself to other girls. I sit there and think about every part of me that is ugly and could be fixed and what I could do to fix it. What supplement I could take, how much money I could save to fix it all.
I dont have a eating disorder but I do think Im fat and disgusting. I just want to be pretty and skinny like others and they love yourself but what is there to love. I know more about me then anyone who could say that so why should I do what they say when I see the ugly truth.
Im suffocating, Im suffocating in every worry, every thought, every time ive been touched without my consent, everytime ive been beaten. Everything stays. I get screamed at for having a D in my classes but can they not see that I am not okay, I have told them Im not okay. Ive asked for help. Im trying to get better. But all they see is how im such a failure. I know im a failure, ive been reminded everyday since 3rd grade. I have this voice that echos in my mind "Everything you do, EVERYTHING YOU DO. You will fuck it all up because your a failure. You will never do things right and when you think they are going right youll just fuck it all up again and fail."
I've been doing this all on my own, my family tossed their kids out like trash and when they got lonely took their kids back in. I know some people know how it is but god how it hurts to be looked at as a emotional care taker for your parents when they are broken but when you break they get rid of you as you just ask for the care you gave them. Kids shouldnt be taking care of parents but I did. I did and if they dont see that, they are a bunch of blind fucks. Me and My brother. We have been raising ourselves our whole lives, We were you emotional toys. Something you could cry to when you needed us but as soon as we didnt have a purpose anymore you tossed us out like garbage.
Not only my never ending echoing thoughts but on top of that my family.
I could blame that for the hell I give people, the hell I give myself. How much I cry, how broken I am. How theres only two people in my life who have shown they truly from the bottom of their heart care. My grandmother and a dog who cant hear the words I speak. Sometimes I just need someone, someone here with me to comfort me. Before I completely fall apart and cant be glued back together again. Im not asking for romance, im asking for someone to actually care about me, someone to actually be my friend because when I tell you this God I say it on my heart. I dont have a friend who actually cares, I dont have a friend who would devote time of their day to help me... Although with every friend Ive ever had I have done that for them.
What did I do wrong,
Why doesnt anyone care?
What can I do for someone to care?
What can I do to have someone be my friend, and I mean a friend who cares?
Love, Lucy
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