let’s talk about my best friend

today i didn’t see my best friend until nearly ten pm and i missed him like a dog. we’ve not had a day apart in over a month. our longest streak is about five months. over the summer, we’ll be in two different states from mid-may to early september. it will be brutal. i’m terrified i love him more than he loves me and i’m scared because my heart is bleeding on the floor and i am a soft animal and i know i’m going to hurt and hurt and hurt and i can’t stop it. i suppose it’s beautiful because the only reason i’ll hurt so bad is because i love him so much. i’m lucky to love someone like this. i have a creeping fear that i might want to kiss him. i think separating romantic and platonic relationships strictly into two boxes is kind of bullshit, but every time i think about my future he’s in it and that scares me. i can’t imagine going more than a day without him and i know that i have before and i’ll have to again. i don’t think it’s romantic, i don’t think i like men. i’ve never looked at a guy and gone so smiley and stupid like i do with girls. when i see a cute girl i want to scream into a pillow and kick my legs and my brain goes all sparklegirl and i can’t stop smiling. i’ve never felt that with a guy before. i think the type of relationship i want with owen is undeniably platonic but also we share a life. i’ve heard of adult friends who only talk once a month or something and nothing makes me sadder than that. i love owen so much, going a month without him would be more than i could bear. i’m scared he will start dating someone or find a new best friend and then he won’t love me like i love him anymore. this is so difficult to explain because platonic love is often brushed aside but he really truly is my best friend and i really truly love him. goodnight.