pop music i like and hearing people i don't

every time i meet some new hearing person and we talk about music, i always feel disingenuous. eventually the conversation will move on and eventually the fact that i'm deaf will come up and they will be confused and i feel like i have to explain myself, like i've done something wrong. it's always the same, like i'm an animal in the zoo. 

"how can you like music?" "you're deaf?" "wait, you're deaf? but you speak so well!" "oh, not really deaf though, right?" "wait. what?"

talking to hearing people will never fail to be exhausting, especially neurotypical ones. especially because i really do love music, and i love to talk about things i love when i meet new people. but the fact of the matter is that i can in fact be deaf and like music. just because you can't see my hearing aids under my hair (which does happen quite a bit, my hair is really thick) or i'm wearing big-ass headphones over doesn't mean i'm not deaf. just because i'm deaf doesn't mean i don't have good music taste, and i always end up on the defense about that. i shouldn't have to prove myself to you. 

now having proven myself to you, i can finally talk about the music i like right now.

lately i've been listening to music in moments i need to be energized, i need music to tie a string to my spine and hold me up. lately i've been listening to muna and haim and chappell roan and carly rae jepsen. 

muna is incredible. muna is pop for queer people who are sad who want to dance about it. the chorus of home by now is forever on loop in my brain, it makes me want to sing and dance and cry. stayaway is my second favorite of theirs, and if you know me you know that already because i have ranted to you about it already. the way the verses pile on top of each other like a series of anxious thoughts spiraling into an inevitable conclusion scratches my brain itch in such a good way. 

haim is music that my brothers and i can all enjoy and that is saying something. now i'm in it hits me the same way stayaway does, something about fast verses. want you back is so good, pure happiness directly to my brain. 

chappell roan wrote femininomenon and my kink is karma for me to stim-dance around my room with a big goofy grin on my face.

what can i possibly say about carly rae jepsen. i don't know enough about music yet to explain why, but emotion is the perfect pop album. making the most of the night and your type are the songs of all time. 

i want to learn how to explain myself better. i need to know why i like what i like. i need to pick it apart like a dead body. pop music is so girly and in the world that i live in girly things are not necessarily taken so seriously. i like pop and it is good. i want to explain my tastes beyond "oh i like it it makes me happy". yeah it makes me happy and i like it but why? what in the music makes that happen? what did carly rae jepsen do to me to make me feel like that? i want to learn.